Love vs. Attachment

Love vs. Attachment

My dad has been trying to explain the meaning of love vs. attachment to me since a long time. I never really understood the difference- or bothered to- because like most things in life I felt I knew it all.

I knew what love was. It was tingling feeling in the bottom of your stomach. It the bright light in your eyes. It lives in the shy smiles and nervous laughters. It makes your heart soar with delight. You float on clouds. You grin like an idiot. You day dream, and then have sleepless nights, hugging your pillow tightly. 

You want him to hold your hand forever. Caress your face. Kiss your lips. And gaze into your eyes. You wish to put your head on his shoulder. You want the flowers after an argument, the chocolates on Valentines, the jewelry on your birthday. You wish to indulge him with your cooking. And letting him show you off in front of his friends. 

You both want to spend every second of every minute, every minute of every hour, every hour of ever day, every day of every week, every week of every month, every month of every year...phew...in each others arms. If your relationship lasts that long that is.

However at that moment, life without each other seems impossible to conceive. 

You wait for the phone that rings less frequently. You stalk on Facebook to check where he really is, and with whom. You fret when he watches IPL instead of listening to every minutia of your day. You complain to your girl friends that he does not listen to you like he used to. You give him gift vouchers instead of thoughtful gifts like before. He continues with the perfunctory flowers and chocolates, but the sweet handwritten notes are absent. You both need space. You think the love is gone. And wonder if there was one in the first place.

Therein lies the conundrum. Love vs. Attachment. 

Love is selfless. Attachment is selfish.

Love gives you faith. Attachment grants you fear.

Love makes you believe. Attachment leads to doubts.

Love releases. Attachment controls. 

Love is pure. Attachment is, well...selfish again.

Love heals. Attachment hurts. 

Love is in the heart. Attachment dwells in the mind.

Love prevails. Attachment perishes.

Give some thought to the ones you love. Your spouse, your boyfriend, your mum, your child, your sister, your friends, your cousins...yes you love them. No doubt. But it can be a pure, selfless love, only if it is unconditional. If you don't demand anything in return. Yet continue to give.  

You give them space if that's what they want.

You give them advice if that's what they ask. 

You give them time if that's what they need.

You simply give. You don't demand. 

You keep them in your prayers, even though they choose to stay out of your life. 

It's the toughest thing you will ever do. It's also the one that will give you the most peace.

Try it for a day. Then a week. Then a month. Then a year. Try it till it becomes a habit. A habit of loving without the expectations. Of giving without receiving.

Rise above the attachments. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

Yours in love

Seema 

Divine Interventions

Divine interventions

Things happen for a reason they say. The reason may unknown to you or not the one you think is right, but its a reason all the same. I read somewhere 'every coincidence comes with its own plan'. So is there such a thing as a random occurrence? Or is everything simply fated? 

I cannot help but wonder, are our paths defined and destinies sealed, or there a chance of some maneuvering...or at least nudging? 

You change your mind at the last minute and take the bus instead of the usual cab. You may think its coz you have finally decided to not be held hostage to Comfort Cabs booking hotline and the CBD surcharges, but the actual reason may be completely different. You could run into an old friend at the bus stop. And delightful conversation could brighten your morning and set the tone  for the rest of your day. Did it occur to you that the 'accidental' meeting could be part of a grand plan? 

If this grand plan exists, who is the architect? The obvious answer would be God. Or the 'universe'. Basically something bigger than you and me. So does this divine power keep track of the 7 billion lives out there? Even with a team of 7 million adept project managers, it seems an impossible feat. And as we all know, project managers are hardly ever adept. But even God found some good ones (may be they exist in the parallel universe), for them to keep track of  every second of every individual's life, appears rather impossible.

So my theory is this. There is a higher power- I call him God- you can call him (or may its a her) anything you like. He develops the grand plan which has a distinct final destination. It's inbuilt in our heads like a chip installed at birth. We go through life subconsciously following it. The destination is fixed. The paths to reach there are multiple. 

There is a straight path. But then only the boring people ever take them. There are crossroads where we have to make the tough choices. There are uphill roads where the climb is tough, but the view from the top is something else. There are obstacle courses, where we emerge stronger on the other side. Then there are scenic routes, which usually take longer, but are filled with surprises at every turn.  Or the downhill slopes where you may lose control. There are the shortcuts which could be efficient use of time, or the shortcuts where you have to make compromises that you will have to live with. 

There are times you will get lost. There are times you will walk on the right path, only to lose your way down the line. And sometimes when you think it's the wrong route, but turns out to be the only one you should have ever considered. 

While we walk these meandering paths, our destination is fixed though we are oblivious about it. So how can we be assured that we shall reach there? That's when we experience a 'divine intervention'. Someone, somewhere, sometime crosses our path and gently points us in the right direction. This person could be a complete stranger or someone you've known all your life. At times the intervention comes in form of a rude jolt like a break-up, a job loss or a tragedy. These interventions are meant to lead us to our ultimate destination. 

I once heard a spiritual leader say these words and they have stuck ever since. 'You think you know everything. You don't know where you came from. You don't know where you are going. You don't know how long you will be here. You know nothing'.

So in this event all we can do is trust the higher power. Surrender to him. And let him guide us along. It does not mean we stop thinking for ourselves. We just trust a little bit more. 

When things don't go our way, 

Instead of  questioning, we believe

Instead of 'why me?', we think 'why not?'

Instead of lamenting a loss, we see what we have gained

Instead of holding on, we let go

Instead of commanding, we concede

Instead of crying, we pray

Lets keep our eyes open for these divine interventions. They come in various shapes and sizes. And sometimes in disguise. An unplanned trip. A stranger becoming a friend. A new career. A different phase. An undiscovered city. A second chance. Or perhaps a totally new opportunity. Don't let them scare you or annoy you. Embrace them and you may reach just where you want to. And in this process, don't forget to ask for help. People who care for you are usually better suited to spot these divine interventions. 

So ask and you shall receive. And stop seeking and you will find.

Am off for brunch and shopping and to see what divine interventions come my way today. 

I don't want to forget...

I don't want to forget...

That innocence lies where tantrums now exist

That joy once lived where sorrow now resides

That there is always dawn after the night

But darkness will still follow the light

That the caterpillar will become a butterfly some day

That a cold heart will slowly melt in some way

That faith should never leave my side

And sometimes I need to go along for the ride

That passion can be fury in disguise

And a lunch always has a price

That myths make unicorns

And humans make myths

That while history teaches 

Religion merely preaches

The clouds that hide silver linings

Also give rainy afternoons

That a voice that is angry

Is hiding tremendous pain

And love that let's go 

Is a heart slain 

That sweet smiles hide sadness

And joy is not what it seems 

That the path to true happiness

Simply lies within

Wish it were simple to be simple

Simple people have it easy. Simple needs, basic wants and no frills. Simple people are happy with a vacation in Malacca and don't desire Monaco. They enjoy a 9 to 5 job with zero career prospects and don't wish to climb the corporate ladder. Hell, they probably think the glass ceiling is a skylight. They do bake sales. And coffee mornings. A movie on a school night is as racy as it gets. They simply don't have many (if any) aspirations, let alone ambitions.

I wish I were simple. I wish I did not push myself to do more. I wish I could be satisfied living a mundane tai-tai expat lifestyle. I wish I had no desires to excel at my job. I wish I was not as curious to learn. I wish I were physically unable to multitask. I wish I didn't demand close to perfection from myself. I wish I were simple.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I can't appreciate the simple joys in life. I love simple things like watching Sanil get off the school bus and try to rattle off everything that happened in the full day...in minutes. Enjoying a nice cup of coffee on my balcony. Afternoon naps. Idli for breakfast. Precious family time. Sharing gossip with my sisters. Teasing my brothers. Baby sitting my niece. A meeting that went well. A compliment...or two. Friends over for lunch, who end up staying for dinner. I love these simple joys. They give me the utmost happiness. And I value and treasure them.

However enjoying simple joys is completely different from being  a simple person. 

I constantly aspire for the better. I savor challenges. I enjoy the adrenaline rush. I dream. And yeah, my dreams are not simple either. I can get Sanil ready for school. Hit the gym.  Take a classics reading group in Sanil's class. Sell a new concept to my clients; and get them to sign the cost estimate. Read a book over lunch. Respond to 50 emails; send 50 of my own. Skip out of office for an afternoon coffee. Work on a presentation. Do my expenses claims. All in time for happy hour. I catch up with friends I have not seen in awhile over cocktails. Have dinner with the regular ones. Put Sanil to bed. And still have time to squeeze in an episode of The Good Wife before tucking myself in. And that's just a regular Friday. 

I love it. I wish I didn't. But I do. 

You can't miss what you have never had. I wish I never had aspirations. I wish I were simple. Then I would live in a blissfully naive existence like simple minded people do. It would be such a welcome change. 

If my readers are waiting for a twist. There isn't any. It's just one of those days when I wish I was simple.  

M Courage

We have all heard of Dutch courage. Urban dictionary describes it as 'Alcohol induced self-confidence'. 

In our times of whatsapp, Skype and Facebook chat, there is a lot of evidence of what I would like to call (and trademark) M courage or Mobile courage. 

It is not courage to carry a Nokia phone from 90s. Side bar- I have exhibited that kind of courage for the longest time in the past. Now I have graduated to a Blackberry, which in the iPhone generation, is rather courageous too. 

M courage or Mobile courage is a new form of Dutch courage. It does not need any kind of alcohol. All it needs is a smart phone. And the inclination. And with great data plans, its tons cheaper than Dutch courage too!

M courage involves flirting, as incessantly and boldly as you desire, using an everyday communication object i.e.a mobile phone.

You can hide behind the screen and say, actually type, a lot of things you probably would not have the courage, to say otherwise.

The innumerable emoticons at your disposal only make it tons easier. My personal favorite is the 'wink' emoticon, as if offers you the flexibility to pretty much say whatever you want, and leave the receiver guessing whether you meant it or not. The true meaning of the message can be a mystery till you are ready or willing to reveal it. All thanks to ;)

M courage makes people bolder, at times unnecessarily so. It provides a shield one is able to hide behind. It lets you get away with a lot more than you normally can. And it provides an easy 'out'.

It has taken the charm out of flirting as you can't see that cute smile while he is asking you out on a first date. You cant decipher if he is being cheeky or just plain obnoxious when the message appears suggestive. It is tough to fathom the true intentions behind the typed words. 

And what do those bloody emoticons really mean? Does a hug emoticon signify a friendly 'you are a true pal' hug or a suggestive 'I wonder if I can unhook that bra' hug? It's a conundrum.

Does the good night emoticon mean...well 'good night'? Or is it code for 'I hope to visit your dreams tonight'? The range of what you can read into the emoticons is rather varied.

M courage is a two-way street. You can use it to drive a conversation further by a cheeky message of your own. Or you can simply put a stop to it by not responding, or typing something generic, like a regular smiley face. With the variety of emoticons available today, a smiley face is the equivalent to a polite nod. 

M courage comes with a very comprehensive insurance policy. You are pretty much covered for anything as long as you are hiding behind the mobile phone screen. 

You want to ask someone out and wonder if they will say yes? Test the waters with M courage. Send a whatsapp with 'Hey! Long time. What's been happening?'. If you get an almost immediate response, it's a good sign. If the response is delayed by a few hours and is the bland smiley face, let it go. It's not worth wasting your mobile phone battery further. If the response is 'Good to hear from you! How have you been?"- its positive, but could be construed as just friendly. Something like "So what are the weekend plans?" Now that's a promising sign ! As it opens up avenues for further conversations.

Innocent, sweet flirting is all good. However M courage can be misused (or leveraged- it's the way you look at it) for, well putting it mildly, 'hook-ups'. Friends can turn to 'friends with benefits'. Strangers can become one night stands. Boardrooms can lead straight to bedrooms. And casual daters (is that a word?) can become lifelong lovers.

Use it wisely, use it liberally. Keep it light, easy and fun. And remember, once you feel that you would rather hear the voice and see the face, pick up the phone and make a plan to meet. Then it's time the emoticons are replaced by true emotions.

Till then, happy typing ;)

Knight in shining armor

He ain't coming. I have been telling myself that for very many years. However my heart still believes. It's the years of conditioning with tales of damsels in distress and knights on white horses. And then there is Disney. Who turned the knight into real pixel flesh and animated blood and bought him to life on screen.

He was charming and handsome and he rode a horse. All swoon worthy features. He rescued the princess from clutches of evil witches, mean step mums, ugly beaus and threatening dragons. To top it all he was usually an heir to a throne, rich, well groomed and displayed impeccable manners. The complete package!

I always wondered how this knight in shining armour knew where to find the princesses in peril? Did he have a sixth sense which guided him towards the maiden that needed his assistance? Or a control room fixed with CCTV cameras? (OK scratch that, it's just plain creepy). May be he had an army of elves who reported to him on the damsels in distress and their vital statistics. Because  he probably needed some means to shortlist, else he would be stretched like private bankers today are.

Whatever the selection criteria was, what followed was always the same. He scooped the princess in his arms, put her on the horse and rode away into the moonlight. He took her to his palace, put a crown on her head, gifted her a wardrobe of gorgeous gowns and a few hand maidens to help her wear the gowns. He always kissed her on the lips with his arms around her teeny-tiny waist. And he had a magical twinkle in his eye when he looked at her. And naturally, they lived happily ever after.

I was a reasonably sensible girl and never believed in the 'happily ever after' charade. Life can't be all lets-wear-pink-gowns-and-blue-tuxedos- and-waltz-every-chance-we-get party all the time. Get a reality check dudes! However I never could shake up the knight in a white horse fantasy. Actually the horse could be black too. Am not fussy. 

But yes, I am old, and old fashioned. I still admire chivalry in a man. I don't need him to open doors for me, or pick my grocery bags. But it's nice when he does it. Just like he should not expect me to cook for him everyday, but I would love to cook for the one I love. It's not about gender labels and cliched expectations, it's simply about little gestures that make the other person happy.

Yes women today are capable and able to do anything men can. I won't belabour that point. However there are times when it is reassuring when a man comes to the rescue. 

When you have been waiting for 40 minutes for a cab in the rain, and the person ahead of you turns back and offers to share his cab. Or even better, lets you have his cab. In the Singapore cab situation, the latter is simply asking for too much though. 

You are standing in a long supermarket cashier queue with one bottle of Vitamin Water (citrus flavour in case anyone's interested), the gentleman in front of you let's you go ahead. He receives a charming smile in return of course. And if he is handsome and does not wear a ring, you can can slip him your number at the back of the receipt. 

You are struggling to project your fabulous presentation from your MAC, it's so reassuring that a guy can fix it before the IT person turns up.

I am not saying that women can't do all of the above. In fact in most cases, it is women who have come to my rescue in many such situations.

So I ask you, where have all the gallant men gone? And when did they turn into such whiny self obsessed spoilt brats? Or venture to the other extreme and become henpecked yes-men with a lower standing than house pets?

Most men today whine and whinge more than teen drama queens. Or they are simply callous and egoistic and are completely incapable of seeing anything beyond their self-groomed reflection.

May be its just my ill luck. Or may be I appear to be the type who needs no help. Or perhaps, you have to ask to receive. And asking for help has never been my strong suit.

He ain't coming. I have been telling myself that for very many years. However my heart still believes. There is a knight who does not need to be asked. He simply knows when I need him, and he will appear. And he will make things easier by simply making me smile when I am about to cry. Make me laugh when I am going to lose my cool. And hold me tight when I am going to crumble. 

That knight won't have a horse, or many riches. He won't be capable to slay dragons or capture forts. He will just be my personal knight who will share some of my troubles and allow me to take on some of his, which I would be more than glad to do.

Till then there's Ryan Gosling and my dreams...

A love story like none other- The Bridges of Madison County

If you've ever experienced the one true love of your life, a love that for some reason could never be, you will understand why readers all over the world were moved by this small unknown novel, The Bridges of Madison County.

I must've read this on the back cover of the book which made me buy it. I am only assuming this. As I have no recollection of why I bought this book. I do know however when and where I purchased it. Like every book I own, on the first page, in my neatest hand writing, I write my name, the date and the book store I bought the book from. This one says 'Seema, Mumbai, Danai, 21 March 2003'.

I may not have remembered when, where and why the book made its way to me. However I have I never forgotten the book. It's the most poignant and beautiful love story that was ever written. It touched me when I read it all those years ago. And it touched me again tonight when I finally got around to watching the movie. 'Touched me' is an understatement. I am still crying and worried my iPad will malfunction on account of the salty tears that just don't seem to stop. 

It's a story about two strangers, from different worlds who spend four days together and experience a love that lasts them a lifetime. Except they spent that lifetime apart from each other. Most people spend a lifetime together and never feel such love.

Like Robert Kincaid, Clint Eastwood's character says "We're hardly two separate people now. Some people search all their life for this and never find it, others don't even think it exists".

Can a love that is so short lived be true love? Can you live a lifetime in four days? Or just one night? Can you love someone for all your life, when you spend most of that lifetime away from each other? Is it really love if no one else but you can understand it? Is it still love if its in your heart, but not in your life?

The simple answer to all these questions is YES. 

There will be no doubt in your mind, and you will just know in your heart when it happens to you. 

As Robert says "This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime."