What it means to be a mom. Happy Mother's Day all!

I live in movies
I live in songs
I live in memories
I don't live very long

I die thousand deaths
I cry uncountable tears 
I laugh million laughs
I throttle many a fears

I sing a long sonnet
I dance a tiny jig
I climb a high mountain
I take part in a gig

I explore the horizons
I swim the oceans 
I rustle up banquets
I create magic potions

Is there anything I can't do?
Is there anything I don't do?
Probably I don't take credit
Where credit is due

I take on stress
I build on worries
I add to the tensions
I am always in a hurry

I should laugh at the frivolous
I must enjoy the trivial
I need remember this
Motherhood is not merely about survival

It's a journey like none other
It's a lifetime of treasures
It's an excitement unsurpassed
Its sheer happiness unmeasured 

My Childhood Home

Childhood homes are a special place. Mine I think is almost magical. It's where I grew up and I wish someday I could grow old. It's not a big house, but it has a big heart. It has embraced various family members, old and new. And continues to do so. Over the years the noise levels around have gone up, long ago we had to bid adieu to the sea view and the building now appears in a state of disarray. However once you step inside, you enter a different world. A world where my childhood is still awaits me. A world where time stands still. A world where I always breathe easier. This is home. 

It's the home of summer, where sea breezes visit
It's the calmness of palm trees, where hammocks swing
It's bears the joy of untold tales
And the smiles of secrets shared
It's where bonds of friendships grow tighter
And where family ties get stronger 

It belongs to my childhood nostalgia
Which is re-visited every year
It's where my children rediscover me
And build memories of their own

It's mine and mine alone, now I can't say
It lives in the hearts of all those whom it's touched
It now belongs to Sanil, to Myrah, to Kabir
But in my heart it feels like it speaks to me alone 

It's a sanctuary where I am reborn
It's my home where a part of me still lives

Give n Take

Let's go here
No we will go there
You come to me
And why would that be?

We will watch a movie
And then grab a bite
Nah ha, we will stay in
And cuddle all night

A bottle of wine
A keg of beer
Rom-com it is
Did I see you sneer?

I have a headache darling
Come on not again
What if we start with foreplay
Or will that just be in vain? 

May be you should shave?
You planning to wear that?
If you can't walk in heels...
What's wrong with flats?

Forgotten bouquet of Valentine roses
An expensive watch for him
Will she forgive me?
The chances seem slim

Lazy to party
Painting the town red
Dancing till 3 am
No way, by 10 in bed

Celebrate the differences
Give the space
Take a pause, hold hands
Remember this is not a race

There's a little of give
And some amount of take
Some sugar and pinch of spice
Together a beautiful relationship make

Leap of faith

When day dreams are like walking on clouds
And night dreams are like falling from a cliff
When hidden smiles have meanings sweet
And visible frowns are signs of lovers tiff

When sunrise greets with fuzzy warmth
And moonrise leads to starry eyes
When walking feels like dancing on tippy toes
And the stomach is fluttered with butterflies

When every door opens to something new
And every window is a sight into the glorious
When logs are ablaze with fires amber
And the heart simply feels victorious

When sand teases with naughty tickling 
And ships set sail to lands afar
When the breeze flirts and sometimes mocks 
And sky is fiery with kites galore

It's a time of change, a time to change
Where life is that the brink of the uncharted
And luck can change with every roll of a dice
Get up, risk it, even if you may falter

Coz life brings you the pleasures unknown
To tempt to you to take that fleeting chance
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Take the leap of faith without a second glance

Looking back at childhood

Nostalgia comes in various forms. Sometimes it's a gradual and lovely stroll down the memory lane. This usually happens when you are pouring over old photo albums, or meeting a childhood friend after awhile or reminiscing growing up with your siblings or cousins.

At other times nostalgia has a fucking weird way of smacking you right out of nowhere. I was sitting by my condo poolside today and saw some little girls play with a skipping rope. I did not realize kids these days still skipped rope. And suddenly I had this gush of memories engulf me. I immediately picked my phone and messaged my closest childhood friend who I have not seen or spoken to in last five years.

And when she said that she misses me and I replied that I think of her very often too, I started tearing up. Now as crying alone by the pool side with an empty glass of wine on the table was simply not an option, I decided to pen my nostalgic thoughts. And of course by 'pen' I mean fly my fingers on the iPad touch screen keyboard.

For God knows what reason we played on the staircase on the third floor of our building. Two of my best friends lived on the 3rd. We each got our toys to the staircase which comprised of tea sets, miniature kitchen utensils, adhoc dolls (we never grew up with gorgeous Barbies and their fancy accessories) and other random stuff like beads, mums old costume jewelry, etc. It was a weird ensemble of toys and knick-knacks, but we knew better than to ask for more. Our parents did not given into our demands as easily as we do nowadays. Yet we were content. Almost blissful.

We rode bikes, they were rusty and most of the time borrowed. We played games like sankli, kho-kho and lagori (which iPad auto corrects to algorithm). I was never the sporty one, but my friend Monika always made sure I was picked in her team so I would not feel left out. We played till the sun went down and the moon came up and our mums yelled from the windows for us to come up for dinner. 

As we grew up we went for walks to the beach or around the building. We sat on the 'tanky' (water tank) and gossiped about everyone who walked by. And when we wanted some privacy we went up to our secret spot on the terrace- by far still one of my most favorite places in the whole wide world.

We ate street food everyday during the holidays- roadside sandwich, bhel puri, dosa with suspicious looking white chutney. But we could never tell our mums that we would skip dinner. 

During summer holidays we went swimming at Juhu gym and ate chicken club sandwich after. We would the leisurely walk back but never go home. We would get end up in another friends house and simply continue playing, chatting, giggling. 

Our parents didn't keep tabs on us. As long as we were home by 8 pm, there were no questions. A minute later and it would be completely a different conversation.

Friends covered each other's back. No matter what. "Yes Aunty, she was with me all the time" was recited in utmost sincerity, even though the friend in question was actually holding hands with the boy from the next building for the past one hour. 

We grew up with one channel on TV and one TV in the house. We learnt to share. 

There was one phone line for the longest time. We learnt to exchange hellos with our parents and siblings friends.

Family dinner meant eating with the family. On the same table. And usually a friend who decided to stay as her mum was not home or just because she fancied mums dahi vadas. We learnt to open our homes to others.

Picnics meant an entourage of 8 or 10 Marutis and Fiats and food enough to feed an army. My favorite picnic food till date is aloo-puri. We learnt to accommodate each other's preferences.

Movies were watched in big groups in front of a small TV. We got chips and Thums up when mums were in a good mood. We learnt to bond over the frivolous. 

Holi meant the whole building would get together and have fun. We learnt to party! 

Diwali meant visiting pretty much every relative alive and each house in the building. We learnt to give our time to others. 

Friends siblings were treated like your siblings, unless they were of the opposite gender, appropriate number of years older and you had a crush on them. We learnt to protect and be protected. 

They were times when rainy season meant paper boats and summer days meant kala ghatta golas. When joys were sought in the little and shared with many. When life was lived in carefree abandon. Where the biggest worry was...well there were no big worries. When laughter filled the air and loved filled the senses. When you cared enough that when decades later you missed your childhood friends, you knew they have been missing you right back! 

It's ironic that we better understand the value of the childhood we've had only when we are older. Because when we were growing up, we never gave a seconds thought to growing old. 

Complete. Delete.

Two to tango

Good things come in pairs they say. Oreos and milk. Coffee and cake. Sun and sea. Movies and popcorn. Sunglasses and hats. No one actually says 'sunglasses and hat', but they are two of my favorite accessories which I think look fantastic together. 

Since childhood we have been introduced to pairs. Mum and Dad. King and Queen. Princess and Knight. In fact most Hindu Gods are a team too- Shiva and Parvati. Ram and Seeta. Krishna and Radha*. The concept of a pair is deeply ingrained in our psyche. 

I had tears rolling down my cheeks when I heard Tom Cruise mouth "You complete me" to Renée Zellweger in Jerry Maguire. I thought they are one of most romantic words ever. To find someone with whom you feel complete. Without whom you are merely a part of your true self. Someone who fills up the missing bits in you.

It's a beautiful, romantic concept is it not?

Now flip this over.

After removing the rose tinted glasses, you realize that this basically means that for a major part of your life (or may be even all your life) you will be incomplete. Either you will be looking for your soulmate. Or you may be with someone who smothers instead of completes you. 

So you are going through your life, being only half of yourself. You are unable to enjoy experiences fully, as you are merely a part of your whole self. And you can start really living your life fully, only after you have found the proverbial better half.

It's an insane, messed up concept is it not? 

To believe, or not to believe, that's the question

Recently many of my lifelong beliefs are being challenged. By knowledge. By intellect. Sometimes by simple logic.

It's said its difficult to find happiness within ourselves. And it's impossible to find it outside. So if happiness resides in us, and we can reach down and discover it, why would we need anyone outside to complete us? 

Worth a thought isn't it?

 I feel like I have lived a whole lifetime in this last few years

I faced challenges I thought I would never need to deal with. I experienced pleasures I never thought existed. Friends I had known for over a decade turned away and did not stand by me when I needed them most. People who had not even been in my life before then, are my closest friends now.

There were times I thought I could not go any further. There were moments when I felt at the top of the world. There were occasions when I cried myself to sleep for days at a stretch. There were times when joy would simply not leave my side. 

In each of these firsts and every high and low moment, I felt whole. I did not need anyone to complete me. Yes there were times when I wished I could share the exhilarations. Or have some take away some of my worries.  But it was a temporary feeling. It came. It taunted me. I dwelt on it for while, sometimes more than necessary. But ultimately, that feeling went away. 

Leaving me alone...yet complete...

No one needs anyone to complete them. If you feel you are not a whole person, look inwards  and find the missing bits. Because rest assured, if you can't fill those gaps, no one else will be able to either. 

Life will always be a mixed bag. We all get what we deserve- the good and the bad. We just need to keep looking forward and moving ahead. One foot before the other. While keeping our eyes and heart open and savouring every moment that comes our way.

So whether you have a Valentine or you are alone, try and be complete by yourself. It not easy to go against what rom-coms teach us, but we sure can try! And today is day as good as any. 

* Krishna and Radha are purported to have the eternal, everlasting love. However they were never married. Krishna was married to Rukhmani and Radha to Anay. It's amazing how a culture which actively promotes marriages, actually worships the embodiment of true love...outside the  realms of marriage.

Money, Money, Money

The other day I was introduced to a term I had not heard before-VUCA. The world today is apparently in a VUCA state. Not wanting to let on that I had no clue what my colleague was referring to, I waited to get away from him so I could google the meaning. VUCA stands for Volatile, Uncertain (or was it Unpredictable?), Complex and Ambiguous. Basically we are sitting on  volcano that is waiting to erupt soon, but the exact timing is uncertain and it would lead to some ambiguous complexity or complex ambiguity. I was advised by my colleague that life in time of VUCA was to be lived with utmost caution and  methodical calculations. We needed to be prepared for the VUCA!

Just a few days later I was scolded by a friend for being too naive about the future. I was earning too little, not saving enough and spending disproportionately to my income. I needed to 'get serious', 'live in the real world' and 'get out of my la-la land'. I took the criticism rather harshly, though it did have some element of truth in it. So in the spirit of always learning and because it was a VUCA world, I decided to introspect.

Lessons from Self-Reflection

1) Easy Come Easy Go- that is the relationship that Money and I have always shared. I have had to live on an income that would be considered below poverty line by professional urban folks where I have written cheques that have bounced because my account had insufficient funds. A concept that I was alien to until that moment. And then there have been times where I have spent without a care on lavish travels and bought clothes and shoes like they were going to be rationed the next day.

On both occasions the lack or the excess of money mattered little to me. It was a matter of fact. I don't have enough to pay for groceries, I will stop eating out. I have more than enough after all my obligatory expenses, I will splurge.

In hindi there is a saying "Paisa haath ka mel hota hai". Loosely translated it means "Money is like dust on your hands". It comes, it goes.

2) Six digit credit card limit- Yeah that's want banks think I am worthy of. It can be intoxicating, but I feel I am rather grounded. Plastic to me is convenience, and bills are always paid in full, on time. Unfortunately for my bank, I am not a revolving credit chic.

That does not mean however I don't overspend on my card. This happens often when I travel. As money spent in foreign land is not an expense. It's an investment that ensures you are having a holiday of a lifetime. I won't be going back to Paris anytime soon, so the holiday needs to be maximized. Simple logic.

3) Coffee, cakes and wines- If I cut these from my diet, I would cut calories and credit card bills. But then how empty would life be?

4) 6 month or 12 month?- It's year end! While I look at my expense-income excel sheet (yes I religiously enter my expenses  and calculate my meager savings), most of my friends are banking their bonus cheques. Bonus- A concept practically unheard of in the advertising world. No stash at year end to invest, pay bulk of the home mortgage or even keep aside for a rainy day. Which only makes it even more important to stretch the monthly salary. Note to self. Save more. Spend less.

5) Beyond Dreams- I just got back from Lonavala, and my parents and I spotted a hotel we had vacationed in years ago- Sayadhari Resort. I had forgotten how simple our holidays used to be, not to mention the choice of destinations. My last short vacation- I take at least two short and one long vacation a year, not including my annual Bombay pilgrimage- was in Phuket, where we got upgraded to a room with a private pool which overlooked the ocean. A far cry from Sayadhari Resort rooms.

I thank God regularly for giving me much more than I had ever imagined. I did not think I could afford buying my own place or take fancy holidays without support from someone else. And here I am. Some believe that if you don't dream big enough, you will always be satisfied with the little you have, never realizing how much more you could get.

Which brings me to the external question. How much is enough? And who decides its enough?

I believe you can have unlimited money. You just need to have the hunger, be reasonably smart and not care about the other valuable currency- time. Money can be earned and multiplied if you give it time. Time to work extra hours, time to study the investment options, time to accelerate your career.

Time is what we have limited of. A day only has 24 hours. A year only has 365 days. And the time you have left in this world could be one second or fifty years. No one knows.

So between money and time- and yes it all boils down to this choice- I choose time.

I choose to take up a part time job and learn considerably less so I have more time with Sanil.

I choose to take a vacation to see my old friends because I don't know if I, or they, would be around when I finally come around to planning that trip in the future.

I choose to enjoy the present instead of constantly worrying about the future.

Yes I may be naive, silly even. And may be I live in an Alice styled wonderland. But I take books over bonuses, surprises over stocks, art over assets (unless the art is the asset), babies over bank accounts and time over everything else.

My prudent friends would say that I don't have the required ammo to face the VUCA. And may be I don't. May be I will struggle more than others, may be I will fail, may be I will realize my folly.

But if money does really make the world go around, don't you still need the time to go along on that merry ride?

Here's wishing you my version of the VUCA new year- Vibrant, Understanding, Caring and Adventurous. Happy 2014 folks!