It’s sweet, it’s bitter; It’s longer than Twitter-
There are rants, there are sighs; There are lows, and yes some highs-
It’s nostalgic, it’s dreamy; It’s pretty damn funny-
Or so I have been told; Read along and you may be sold
It is said that to make God laugh, tell him your plans. So here goes God, chuckle away....
Yesterday's plan- Office + surprise Sanil at his school field trip in China Town. Yesterday's Reality- MRI at Mount E
Weekend plan- Satyagraha or Shudh Desi Romance followed by a nice meal with mum and dad Weekend Reality- Homebound and walking around on crutches
Thursday's plan- New business meeting + coffee at my favorite café (recent favorite as the Barista is quiet cute and a charming flirt) Thursday's Reality- Rude visit by an old injury. Followed by paramedics and ambulance
When you read in books or hear people say how their world turned upside down in matter of seconds, you know how it could happen, but you understand it truly only when you go through it yourself. Till then you blissfully feel that you have control over your life. Well some aspects at least. Like I never worry about recession, earthquakes, critical illnesses, death, war in Syria. I really don't. Because these things are too big for me to control. So I simply leave them in hands of God.
However when it comes to 'smaller' things, like my own health, my work, my family, my weekend plans, my meetings, I believe I can control the process, if not the outcome.
So when an innocuous routine moment changes the course of your months to come, it's a rude awakening on how powerless we really are. We only have the illusion of control. An illusion that is blinding as it makes us believe that we are the directors of this blockbuster called Life. When in fact, as Shakespeare had said ages ago, we are merely actors and we have our entries and our exits.
Like in Singapore we say, "So how?" How do we go on with our lives knowing things may never go as we desire them to? And we may never reach the destination we are planning for. We may not even exist the next minute!
So how?? What do we do now??
The key words here are "desire", "destination" and "exist"
1) Desire- The core philosophy of Vedanta is 'You get what you deserve, not what you desire". I have been trying to imbibe this for a few years now, but keep failing. Especially when I feel my desires are very ordinary. I am not asking for life's riches, fancy cars, cool yachts (though that would be on the nice-to-have list), stunning penthouses or even designer hand bags. My desires are simple, at least in my head they are.
I am slowly coming to grips with this. My simple desires would be ambitious for many others who have less than me. So what makes me think I even deserve what I have right now? I must have done something right to get all what I have. I need to learn to appreciate that, while working towards what I want, but not clamoring after it. No easy task! But then if self-actualization were easy, then the world would not be such a screwed up place.
2) Destination- Since childhood we have been taught to reach a certain goal. Be it being at the top of our class, or getting in the school play, or winning the Gold medal at sports day. The end or the destination was the focus. Some of us who were lucky to have the right influences or it was inherent in our nature, learnt to enjoy the journey. We understood that it was more important to love what we learn (history and geography for me), rather than our grades. We learnt the joys of being a part of something big, as opposed to playing the lead. We relished the thought about bonding and having fun with friends and team mates instead of merely competing in sports. But somewhere in the practicalities of life, we lose these precious lessons. It's time for a refresh.
If we don't enjoy the journey, it's very unlikely we will savor the destination. Because we would in all likelihood be irritable, bored or worse still disappointed with the journey to bask in the destination experience.
3) Exist- As I have mentioned in my previous posts, we don't know where we come from, we don't know where we are going and we certainly don't know how long we are here for. So it's time to stop existing and start living.
As for me, I have to realize that blips in life can be guiding lights for the changes I need to make to lead a much fuller and more content life. I intend to put this into practice, slowly, but surely.
Since childhood we have been taught to build and mould. One of the first toys most children play with are building blocks - cheap plastic ones during my time, and fancier not laced with lead and not made in China ones for our kids. Lego was a prized commodity when I was a child. I remember my bother and I had one big Lego set to build a house which we used creatively to make various other things. Imagination was always put hard to work. Barbie dolls were also special. Customizing the clothes and accessories of dolls was an ever enticing prospects. Building, moulding, fixing and ,changing things was big part of play time. And grew to be something that came naturally to us. And then stayed with us even as grown-ups. Now as handy as these skills are in relation to objects, they can be disastrous when used on humans. More disastrous for us than human in question.
Why do we have this inane urge to change others, rather than accept them? Lets start with our kids. Yes we love them. Unconditionally. However you would be lying to yourself if you say that there aren't things you would want to change in them. I read somewhere that we all have 'fantasy kids'- our vision and dream of how our kid should be. So in various ways we try and mould them to be closer to the fantasy kid we have been raising in our head. And if you turn tables around, kids too love their parents, most of the time unconditionally too. But I can guarantee there are things about me that Sanil wants to change. There is always a friends mum who is 'far cooler', 'way thinner', 'much kinder' than me. Hopefully it's not all one person, else I would surely hate her. Now looking at our beloved spouses. My agency in India had done an ad campaign years ago for an ice-cream brand, think it was Vadilal (only kids raised in the 80s in India would recognize this name). The headline for the vanilla flavor said "A good husband is like a good vanilla ice cream- soft, sweet, dependable...and can be garnished anyway you like". Isn't this the way many of us treat our men? We like the vanilla, but can't wait to ply on the garnishes- strawberries, chocolate sauce, M&Ms, butterscotch sauce, maple syrup, sometimes to the extent that its masks the original flavor entirely. This trait is not restricted to the female species alone. A guy friend once told me "Apne bachchein aur doosron ki biwiyan, sab ko achchci lagti hain". (Everyone likes their own children, and other people's wife). So true! A husband whose wife is working laments how she has no time for him, whereas the one whose wife is a stay at home mom, will whinge that she nags to much as she has 'no work'.
Our friends are probably the people we are least likely to change. Guess that's why friendships last a lifetime. Because we accept them as they are. And they offer us the same privilege.
It's a known fact, but most often ignored. We can change only one person- and that's ourselves. Everyone else we need to accept. It's a like booking an all-paid-for-non-refundable holiday. You either enjoy it, or give it up. Because money-back is just not an option.
We need to fight this impulse to mould and change people. Sometimes we feel we are doing them a service by trying to improve them. But actually we are doing a disservice, not to them. But to ourselves. As we are pinning our hopes and joys on changing them. Neither of us can change the other. Both of us can change ourselves.
So next time I am about to tell Sanil that's wish he read more books, I shall bite my tongue and compliment his soccer kick instead.
When I feel sad that old friends do not keep in touch like I would like them to, I will pick up the phone and tell them I miss them.
When a guy tries to impress me with flattery, I will accept it graciously, instead of looking for the ulterior motives.
I will accept people as they are. And if I don't like what I see, I won't let them be a part of my life. Because life is not a store with a no-return-policy. You do have the power of choice.
I am so not the one for joining the proverbial bandwagon. However the various posts by different bloggers on "date a girl who" are pretty interesting and funny.
The very first one I read was 'date a girl who reads'. Brilliantly written. And it's about girls who read. So I am naturally biased. Then there is one 'date a girl who writes'. And 'date a girl who blogs/runs/travels'. And even one 'date a girl who eats biryani'. Very true once again for me. I am the only girl I know who can tuck into a mutton biryani with gusto at 2 am. (It was after several rounds of drinks, so it was perfect valid. Necessary even).
But hey! I digress. Google these posts if you have not read them, especially Date a girl who reads.
So I thought of writing a post on something I love the most (besides books and food)- movies. Date a girl who watches hindi movies? But then I thought that any Indian girl who does not watch hindi movies, is so not worth knowing, forget dating.
May be its better to be more specific. Once a friend gifted me a book which was a true, sad story about plight of bar dancers in Mumbai. He said in between Yash Raj movies, girls should read such realistic books also. I reminded him that unlike most girls I watch Anurag Kashyap movies, so I need my Jane Austen fairy tales to balance things out.
That's it! My post is 'Date a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies'. And if you are wondering 'Anurag who', don't bother reading even a single line more.
Here goes...
Date a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies. Date a girl who spends her money on original Dev D Blu ray disc, instead of pirated copies of Chennai Express. Date a girl who knows every movie ever written, produced, directed by Anurag Kashyap, who watches Black Friday over Black.
Find a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies. You know she does because Udaan songs will be under the most played songs on her iPod playlist. She's the one who understands Gulaal is not merely a Holi color, who quietly cries when she watches the last scene in Lootera. You see the weird chick standing in line to watch 'Mumbai Cutting'. That's an Anurag fan. She can never resist any of his films.
She's the girl who gets every 80s reference possible in 'Gangs of Wasseypur'. She does not flinch at the abusive language. She does not shut her eyes when Sardar Khan gets shot. If you take a peek at her popcorn, you will find its untouched because she is totally engrossed in the movie. Lost in a world of Anurag's making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who watch such films do not like to be interrupted. In the interval, ask her if liked the movie. Buy her another popcorn.
Let her know what you think about Faizal and Mohsina. Ask her how she felt when Paanch was banned from release. Understand her point of view on Dev D. Ask her if she loves Paro or would like to be like her.
It’s easy to date a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies. Give her his older movies for her birthday, for Christmas. Give her the gift of stories. Give her Bombay Talkies, Luck by Chance, That girl in yellow boots, the unedited version of Gangs of Wasseypur 2. Let her know that you understand that stories are life. Understand that she knows the difference between stories and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite story.
Girls who watch such films understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in Karan Johar tear-jerkers.
If you find a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies, keep her close. When you find her up at midnight watching Udaan again, weeping, make her a cup of coffee and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the story are real, because for a while, they always are.
Date a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most genuine life you can ever imagine. Who wont judge you when you watch the Godfather trilogy back to back with your mates. Who won't merely feign interest when you talk about world issues. Date a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies because she has a voice, an opinion and she won't hold it against you if yours differs from hers.
If you can only give her Shahrukh Khan blockbusters and Ayan Mukherjee candy floss cinema, then you’re better off alone. If you want real and real lasting, date a girl who watches Anurag Kashyap movies.
Or better yet, date a girl who watches Gulzar movies.
We have a lot to give. We really do. For those who don't have
enough money, could have time, for those who don't have time, could have
resources, for those who don't have resources could have special skills. And
the ones who don't have money or time or resources or special skills, well,
they are the ones who we need to give to.
Living in a bubble that is Singapore, one tends to forget that there are
many unfortunate people who need our help. The expat life in Singapore
comprises of condos for luxurious lifestyle, cars despite COE prices, coffee
mornings with other expat mommies, credit card for branded handbags and yes, a
careless attitude towards others. Don't understand why we say Singaporeans
clamour after the 5 Cs (or perhaps it's not restricted to 5 anymore).
The "real" poverty
India is home to 63% of all slum dwellers in South Asia. Coming from
India poverty is stark, visible and makes to either look away or become immune
to. An estimated 3 million people are homeless in Europe. And this is a stat
from 2010. With the Euro crisis, this number is bound to go up. The UK has
one of the highest levels of homelessness in Europe with more than 4 people per
1,000 estimated to be homeless (as at 2004). Statistics from 2007 indicate
that 63% of homeless women in the UK have experienced domestic violence and 40%
have been sexually abused. Homeless people there live in subway stations,
on the streets and sometimes outside your favourite pub. It's all out there.
It's apparent.
And here is the shocking state of affairs in USA when it comes to wealth
distribution.
So its understandable that expats look at Singapore as a wealthy,
first world country where poverty does not exist, or its at least negligible.
There is no "real poverty" here we think. The only poor strata of
society are the immigrant workers and the foreign domestic helps. An average
Singaporean is well do to, has a roof over his head and a decent job.
The real situation
Let me tell you the story of Mr. Ang. Mr Ang and his wife, both in
their 40s, live in a four-room HDB flat with five children. Their ages range
from eight to 23 years old. Mr Ang works as a driver, earning $800 a month
(one-fourth the cost of any average designed bag I may add), while Mrs Ang is a
homemaker. Four of their children are visually-impaired. Two of the
oldest children attend daycare at the Singapore Association for the Visually
Handicapped. But paying the daycare fees is a constant struggle for Mr Ang.
While their fourth child is studying in polytechnic, the third and youngest
children have behavioural issues, and are unable to pursue further
education.
Meet Wan Zaleha. For the last six years, from Mondays to Saturdays,
this 72-year-old has served as a volunteer, making tea and coffee for
residents living in one-room apartments in the neighbourhood. She lives in
one of the one-room apartments - which average 30 sq.m and is not employed
and receives groceries worth S$70 from individual donors every month.
These above stories are true. And there are more families faced with
similar (or worse) situations in Singapore. While most Singaporeans are able to
benefit from Singapore’s success as a fast growing economy, there is a segment
that gets left behind, living from hand to mouth, struggling to stay afloat.
A small effort by R3
On Saturday my company volunteered for "Grocery on Wheels" a food
donation drive by NUSS. Bags of groceries were delivered to the less fortunate.
Goods were donated by NTUC FairPrice, Nestlé and other companies. There
were hundreds of volunteers packing and delivering these bags.
At the onset it did not feel like a big deal. The groceries came in a
lorry, while we went comfortably in a bus chartered by the NUSS. Seemed more
like a picnic than a charity drive.
And because even charities need some PR angle, there were volunteers
on Harleys making deliveries too!
However when we reached the HDB block we realised the task before us, and
we understood why NUSS needs volunteers. We had 198 bags to be delivered,
individually, to each house. And boy were the bags heavy! I skipped the gym
that evening as my arms and legs had enough exercise for a day.
We were advised that this is not just about delivering. We should engage
with the residents, many of them live alone or don't get out of the house much
due to old age. They like the human contact and we should spend some time
talking to them.
And so he head off. With my colleague expert navigation skills-HDB unit
numbers and floor are so confusing- we walked up and down stairs, or took
elevators that stank of pee. We delivered the bags to families with 6 kids
ranging from one to 12, to an old couple who took 10 minutes just to come to
the door because of their ill-health. We chatted at length with an ex-police
officer who lamented how once his sons got married, they have stopped looking
after him. He said he was glad he still had four daughters who he was confident
would not abandon him.
We met kids who opened the grocery bags with more enthusiasm than our
kids open their Christmas presents. They were grateful. They thanked us profusely.
And we left feeling wish we could do more.
This volunteering activity was also a great way to show our children about
life on the other side of the tracks. It left them with more appreciation with
all that they have.
Yes Singapore is a developed first world country. People by and large
are doing well, have homes, reasonable wages. And yes there are exceedingly rich people
here too- like everywhere in the world. Singapore is MUCH better off than most
countries in the world. The government has done a fantastic job. No doubt.
But no matter where you live, there will always be people who have less
than you. Always. You don't even have to look too far many times. You just have
to open your eyes ...and your heart.
Learn to live beyond yourself.
I urge all my expat friends to find a cause that you can relate to, and
give it your time. With kids at school and helpers at home, we surely have some
time to spare. Substitute one coffee morning with an hour at an orphanage. Or
one barbecue with feeding the needy. Or one shopping spree with a donation.
Give a little. And you will live a lot more. A happier healthier life
filled with one thing money can't buy- blessings.
The value of You lies in your heart, your mind and your soul. The operative word here is YOUR. Not mine, or his, or hers or theirs. Just yours. Yet we constantly use the views of others to judge and consequently value ourselves.
People who earn more than us are quizzical about our career choices that don't rake in the moolah and suddenly we question ourself "Should I be doing something more lucrative?". Others who have made different life choices than us make us doubt about our choices even though we know in our heart and mind the reason as well as the need of our choice. Girls with killer abs make us feel conscious of our flabby bits. Guys with motorbikes and toned biceps make us wonder why our husbands/ boy friends are not more like that. Neighbours in big apartments make us look around our lovingly built home and sigh. Twentysomethings make us realise that we don't have the energy and gusto that use to.
It is not these younger, thinner, prettier, richer and more successful people who make us doubt ourselves. We do it all on our own! We revise our value depending on how other make us feel.
An unreturned phone call means you are not loved. An ignored invite equates to you are not popular. One failed project equals you are not successful.
You need to reevaluate the value of you, by you. What makes you special, what makes you unique, what makes you desirable. YOU are the best judge of that. Not your mum, or your friend, or your child, or you ex-boyfriend, or your husband or even the love of your life ( in case the two are not mutually exclusive).
So prepare a balance sheet of you today. On the right-hand side list your liabilities- your anger, the envy, the self-doubt, your regrets, your fears. And on the left-hand side list your assets- personality, attitude, ability to love, willingness to give, goodwill generated over the years, your dreams, your hopes. Keep on writing till your assets far outnumber your liabilities.
You don't need VC or even a CPA to evaluate you. The value of You can only be found by you. And you need to start looking on the inside. Not outside.
