Life, I don't have time for you

I was told everything is transient

I know nothing lasts forever

But I still try and keep

Memories close to my chest

And regrets in my back pocket

I fish these out regularly

And then I reminisce and smile

Or remember and weep

I sometimes get the blues

And other times red in anger

While my memories and regrets take over

Life takes a backseat

It waits patiently for me to take notice

To have a conversation, to share a laugh

But where do I have the time?

There is so much to mull over

So many anecdotes to recollect

Few heartbreaks to get over

And then tragedy strikes

I stop dead in my track

I take stock

I store the memories in a corner

I discard the regrets in the bin

I slowly pick up the threads of conversation with Life

It responds hesitatingly

After awhile I shake its hands confidently, "Can we spend more time together?", I ask

With a hint of a smile, Life replies "I have been waiting for you to say that for years"

What would your teen self think of your current self?

The other day I was reading The Little Coffee Shop of Kabul

One chapter described the blue mosque in Mazar-e-Sharif, Shrine of Hazrat Ali. Thousands of believers and tourists flock to the shrine, but the doves are the original residents, apparently living there since the 12th century. Legend has it that the doves are pure white because of the sanctity of the mosque itself; if a dove with a speck of color flies in and stays, it too will turn white as snow.

Written words create visuals in the mind eye. I did not need to google image the shrine, I had an image imprinted in my heart, which leapt up with excitement at the thought of visiting this magical place. Until my head politely pointed out to my heart, that it could not even begin to list the complications of visiting Afghanistan on an Indian passport.

So my smart head suggested Turkey instead. And then for the next few days I researched about Turkey, spoke to people who had been there and read about the places to visit, where to stay, what to eat (supremely important) etc. I spoke to people who had been there especially about safety of solo female travelers. I was politely reminded that the danger was from ISIS and they were rather gender neutral with their destruction. No wonder I was getting cheap tickets! After reading travel warnings on both the US and Australia embassy websites, I had to pack away my dream of seeing the Blue Mosque for awhile at least.

What has this got to do with the topic of this post you wonder? Everything! 

When I think of my young naive self of 16, I wonder what would she think of me now? I believe she would have expected me to live in a big house, work in a fancy job with a corner office, still in love with a handsome and caring husband, two children (one of whom would've been a girl) and all the usual bells and whistles of a modern successful life. 

And here I am. A middle-aged single mother to a teenage son. I don't have many work related accolades to boast of and no specific accomplishments adorning either my living room or my Facebook wall.

So what would she think of me now? 

She would be amazed is what I think she would be. 

Amazed that I can read about a place one day in a book, and in the next hour already plan my holiday there. Amazed that I have don't have to ask anyone before doing that. Amazed that I don't have to pay heed to any advice (except US and Australia embassy ones). Amazed that I have the power to make my dreams come true.

She would be insanely jealous of the independence, rather envious of my self-reliance and totally in awe of my courage. 

From a girl who needed permission to go out after 9 pm, who was socially awkward among peers and seniors alike and who worried incessantly about being alone, here I am today.

From the girl who almost failed PE, to one who runs 10Ks effortlessly.

From the girl who was shy to even audition for a minuscule part in the school play, to one who lectures at universities.

From the girl who was apprehensive to travel alone by Bombay local train, to one who has journeyed half-way around the world by herself.

From the one wore geeky glasses, had her nose in her book and whose favorite place was the library, to....OK not everything is different :) 

Growing older is hard and being an adult can suck big time. It's when you realize that every decision you make is yours to face, there are no parents to blame or teachers to fault. It's when you adjust to the truth that you are on your own. No matter who you have around you and how supportive your friends and family may be, ultimately its your responsibility. We each are on our own journey.

But when you question your path or are anxious about your future, stop, breath and look back. Wave to your younger self who is looking on expectantly at you from afar and see what she has got to say. And you will see her with her thumb up, smiling and edging you to continue down the path. Because she knows you have achieved far more than what she could ever imagine. 

"Just look forward and keep walking" is what she is saying. 

And the older you probably wants to tell her this: 

An Illusion we call Control

It is said that to make God laugh, tell him your plans. So here goes God, chuckle away....

Yesterday's plan- Office + surprise Sanil at his school field trip in China Town. 
Yesterday's Reality- MRI at Mount E

Weekend plan- Satyagraha or Shudh Desi Romance followed by a nice meal with mum and dad
Weekend Reality- Homebound and walking around on crutches

Thursday's plan- New business meeting + coffee at my favorite café (recent favorite as the Barista is quiet cute and a charming flirt) 
Thursday's Reality- Rude visit by an old injury. Followed by paramedics and ambulance

When you read in books or hear people say how their world turned upside down in matter of seconds, you know how it could happen, but you understand it truly only when you go through it yourself. Till then you blissfully feel that you have control over your life. Well some aspects at least. Like I never worry about recession, earthquakes, critical illnesses, death, war in Syria. I really don't. Because these things are too big for me to control. So I simply leave them in hands of God.

However when it comes to 'smaller' things, like my own health, my work, my family, my weekend plans, my meetings, I believe I can control the process, if not the outcome.

So when an innocuous routine moment changes the course of your months to come, it's a rude awakening on how powerless we really are. We only have the illusion of control. An illusion that is blinding as it makes us believe that we are the directors of this blockbuster called Life. When in fact, as Shakespeare had said ages ago, we are merely actors and we have our entries and our exits. 

Like in Singapore we say, "So how?" How do we go on with our lives knowing things may never go as we desire them to? And we may never reach the destination we are planning for. We may not even exist the next minute!

So how?? What do we do now??

The key words here are "desire", "destination" and "exist"

1) Desire- The core philosophy of Vedanta is 'You get what you deserve, not what you desire". I have been trying to imbibe this for a few years now, but keep failing. Especially when I feel my desires are very ordinary. I am not asking for life's riches, fancy cars, cool yachts (though that would be on the nice-to-have list), stunning penthouses or even designer hand bags. My desires are simple, at least in my head they are.  

I am slowly coming to grips with this. My simple desires would be ambitious for many others who have less than me. So what makes me think I even deserve what I have right now? I must have done something right to get all what I have. I need to learn to appreciate that, while working towards what I want, but not clamoring after it. No easy task! But then if self-actualization were easy, then the world would not be such a screwed up place.

2) Destination- Since childhood we have been taught to reach a certain goal. Be it being at the top of our class, or getting in the school play, or winning the Gold medal at sports day. The end or the destination was the focus. Some of us who were lucky to have the right influences or it was inherent in our nature, learnt to enjoy the journey. We understood that it was more important to love what we learn (history and geography for me), rather than our grades. We learnt the joys of being a part of something big, as opposed to playing the lead. We relished the thought about bonding and having fun with friends and team mates instead of merely competing in sports. But somewhere in the practicalities of life, we lose these precious lessons. It's time for a refresh.

If we don't enjoy the journey, it's very unlikely we will savor the destination. Because we would in all likelihood be irritable, bored or worse still disappointed with the journey to bask in the destination experience.

3) Exist- As I have mentioned in my previous posts, we don't know where we come from, we don't know where we are going and we certainly don't know how long we are here for. So it's time to stop existing and start living.

As for me, I have to realize that blips in life can be guiding lights for the changes I need to make to lead a much fuller and more content life. I intend to put this into practice, slowly, but surely. 

When was the last time you…

·         Got drenched in the rain and did not mind it at all

·         Sang your favourite song aloud without bring drunk

·         Did something outrageous which makes you blush even thinking about it

·         Went sailing

·         Swan in the ocean

·         Spoke on the phone with your best for over an hour

·         Felt so loved by your child that it brought tears to your eyes

·         Read a book that you simply could not put down

·         Prayed for someone else besides your own family

·         Relived your childhood by spending an afternoon with your brother or sister

·         Had a long lost song stuck in your head and had to download it and listen to it at least 5 times and it sounded better each time

·         Got a phone call from a loved one that made you whoop up in joy at their good news

·         Saw a handsome stranger and you did a double take

·         And he saw you do that…and gave you the once over

·         Took a bubble bath

·         Slept on the train and missed your station

·         Thought of something funny and laughed aloud on the street…when you were alone…

·         Cut class to watch a movie…better still…skipped a meeting to do the same

·         Sat on your window watching the rain fall

·         Took a nice long afternoon nap

·         Went for a walk with your partner and held hands all through the way

·         Watched a film that made your eyes misty

·         Took an unplanned spontaneous holiday

·         Stopped and lend a stranger a helping hand or a friendly smile

I know life is good as I have done almost all of the things on the list above at least once in the last two months. If you haven’t, start today. It will make your heart smile. That’s a guarantee.

Don't miss out on the real life....

A little more face to face,
a little less facebook

A little more real conversation,
a little less IM chat

A little more meet,
a little less tweet

A little more on life,
a little less on line

One year, one life

Same day, last year:

This exact day a year ago my life took a turn- an unexpected, undesirable turn. This exact day a year ago I was “let go” from a job I had been doing marvellously for the last 4 years and loved with a passion.

“Let go”- isn’t it a strange choice of words? Like you are being set free to explore the world. Sure beats “made redundant” that just does not have the same positive spin to it. Reasons accorded were the usual- ‘recession’, ‘current economic climate’, ‘loss of business’- take your pick.

Once you are “let go”, you follow the 3-stage process before you can even begin to put your life back together:

Stage 1: Denial- “This is not happening. Simply not happening. It’s a bad dream. I will wake up soon”.

Stage 2: Self-Pity- “Why me? I mean why me??!! Of all the people why me??! I am reasonably good person. I am nice and do good deeds every once in awhile. So why did God pick me for this to happen?

Stage 3: Now what- “My life, as I knew it, is over. What in the F%^ing hell will I do now?!”
Its stage 3 that gets you thinking that you simply can’t sit around and mope about Stage 1 and 2. You have to get your act together!

Luckily for me, Ms. Pragmatic that I am, I reached Stage 3 within 24 hours. Credit here must be attributed to my amazing friends (for complete credit list see end of this post) who helped me beyond words. I did visit Stage 1 and 2 many times after and sometimes still do. It never really completely leaves you.


And there was more to come...as they say, when it rains, it pours! And boy did it pour!
So a month from this traumatic experience, my divorce also came through formally. For the very first time in life I needed to work not simply because I liked to, but because I had to. I needed a job to keep a roof over Sanil and my head, to buy food, to pay school fees and PUB bills- the usual humdrum stuff that you don’t really think too much about.

Even though the job search was on in full swing, it was so damn scary! I would like to pause here thank my family and friends who as always came through for me. I cannot believe the amount of help and support I was offered without me even asking for it. Words are too small to express my gratitude.

During this time I also had to get used to something else. Which by far was the toughest. During Sanil’s March school holidays he was meant to stay with his dad. Living without Sanil for 10 days were one the worst ones in my life. I used to sleep, cry, sleep, cry some more, watch TV, eat, cry, watch TV, sleep and did I mention cry? And continue looking for a new job with the warranted enthusiasm and energy.

All this lasted a mere 3 weeks
A minor blip in the grand scheme of things, no? Of course at that time it felt more like 300 years. Within 3 weeks- again thanks to an old friend, he knows who he is- I found a new job. Not bad! Keeping in mind the economic scenario of Q1 2009, I didn’t do too badly.

I had to take a pay cut and position cut, but hey, I had a job! One month- that’s all it took for me to land back on feet. Of course, I still felt bitter and cheated, but thought best to look ahead in a positive fashion.

Positive yes, but I am a ‘zero expectation’ person. When the going is tough, set your expectations at level zero, sub-zero if you can help it. So here were my expectations from the new job:

1) I will HATE it.

2) I will not make any friends.

3) No one will like talk to me.

4) And I will reciprocate by not talking to anyone (except for work of course).

5) Everyone will be stupid.

6) I will hate it (again!).

7) I shall be miserable.

8) Its a job. It pays. I need money to run my house. That’s all that counts.

9) Office is in CBD. First time in 10 years of living in Singapore, my office would be in CBD. Ok, here is something to look forward to- cheaper lunches than Orchard road.

10) I can take the shuttle bus and save $$$$ on taxis. Okie, one more decent thing. (See bus-fuss post for my love for shuttle busses: http://seema-suchislife.blogspot.com/2009/04/bus-fuss.html)

As you can see no. 9 and 10 were the only positive things on the list. So thus I started my new job from ground zero. Only onwards and upwards from here on! (Or is it upwards and onwards? In any case, it’s some lame management mantra).

I started work with a single thought- I shall do my best, be nice (or at least try) and aim to learn something new. Ok, that’s not really a single thought, but never mind!

And I got that and so much more!

1) I actually liked people I worked with (majority of them anyway)

2) And then liked me (little surprise there, that was kinda expected ;)

3) I did not mind the work too much

4) I actually enjoyed not being the sole person responsible for everything

5) I made friends and started having fun! Looking forward to office even

6) The lunches, coffees, chats, gossips, drinks, jokes, pranks- loved it all! In fact it sometimes reminded me of “Ambience” days (see Ad Mad world post for details- http://seema-suchislife.blogspot.com/2009/09/ad-mad-world.html). Where I started my advertising career in Bombay and made friends for life. (You ladies know who you are :)

Besides work
Things were going well too. Sanil was blooming, as usual. We had great times including my brother’s wedding where the whole family got together to celebrate.

I started my new life dividing my time between being Sanil’s mum and career minded single woman. Enjoying both roles tremendously.

And I managed to achieve many firsts:

1) First time I held (and used) a hammer

2) First time I filed my own tax returns

3) First time I took charge of my finances

4) First time I bought insurance (I know I know, it’s silly but things like “buy insurance” never really made it to my to-do list until then)

5) First time I took a vacation alone (see first 3 posts in the blog. That’s where I started this blog- on my holiday in Langkawi). http://seema-suchislife.blogspot.com/2009/04/first-times.html

While I liked my job (and LOVED my friends), the working hours (and few other issues) were simply not making it worth the effort. So I started looking for new opportunities and a remarkable one came by rather quickly.

And then I decided to take the real estate plunge. After a year of researching, viewing, home loan comparing, I purchased an apartment for Sanil and myself. It was all bloody nerve-wracking. But I did it!

So in one year:


• I lost a job

• Found a new one

• Found a better one

• Resigned from the existing one

• Bought a house

• Travelled

• Made new and fabulous friends

• Watched Sanil grow and thrive

It felt like I have lived a whole lifetime in this last one year! And a big thank you to you all who made it possible.

In no order of priority I would like to thank:

Archana: The first person I called upon reaching home from losing my job. You were preparing Arusha for her Hindi exam. But as soon as you heard my voice on the home, you came rushing. And did not leave my side till I had finished crying.

Cherylene: Who has been my sounding board for everything “work related” and beyond work too. And who made me see that no matter how bad things are, look at the positive and the frivolous side.

Rachel: The only person I know who can insult me to my face and still make me laugh- every time!

Riva: Who has been a pillar of strength and always been there when I needed her.

Kaylin: Who is sweeter than chocolates we both love. You exude a calmness that’s simply radiant.

Aarti: Who is one of the most warm and loving people I have met (and it helps that you are the same size as me and have excellent taste in dresses)

My Tanjong Ria friends: You are just the best! I know that circumstances had put you in an awful position but you all chose to not take sides and simply be there for me. I shall never forget that!

My Park Shore friends: You opened your hearts and homes to Sanil and me. And never once let me feel alone. And thanks for including us in the funnest trip ever! We have to do another one this year :)

Eton House mummies: For your unconditional love and support. And the lovely coffee chats.

Kishore and Pam: Even though you are far, you were there whenever I needed you. Miss you guys! Come back!

My brothers: For checking on me, for making me smile, for looking out for me, for being the best possible brothers a sister can ever hope for!

My sisters: For letting me rant, for tolerating my snappy behaviour, for listening, for making me see the lighter side of life again- movies, shopping, desserts- nothing is the same without you!

Unnati: Without you I would not be me. You know everything about me, and still love me. That’s something!

Mom and dad: For never questioning. Your love and support gets me by.

Rose: For nourishing my body and soul. For looking after me like no one else can.

Andrew: The first person I turned to this day last year. And who was there for me that day. And every day since then.

Neel: For holding me when I was falling. For helping me pack and most importantly for getting my red chair back 

ICLP/TLG friends: You guys are my oldest friends in Singapore. And am so happy that you are still in my life!

White boy: I could not have done any of this without you. Your unfaltering support and unwavering faith kept me going. You once told me “Whatever you choose, choose happiness”. I never knew you were the one for profound words , but those words influenced a lot my decisions. Thank you. For everything.

Sanil: And finally, the reason for my existence. The source of my happiness. The joy of my life. As I always say, thank you Sanil. Thank you for choosing me as your mum! I love you more than my life.

If I have missed anyone else, I blame my age. And please accept my heartfelt gratitude for being a part of my life and being there for me whenever I have needed it.

Life imitates Art? Art imitates Life?

It happens many times in life that you feel “This is straight out of a movie”. And while you are watching a movie you think to yourself (or mention to the person next to you if you are the “talkative” movie goer) “This would never happen in real life”.

Agree some scenarios from films are extremely unlikely to take place in real life (especially if the movie in question is a commercial Hindi blockbuster or an OTT Hollywood action movie). But we underestimate life. There are so many instances in our lives and lives of people around us that defy all conventions. They are never-before heard stories or never-before seen dramas. But they are true and real and they exist.

You meet a random stranger in a bus queue, ask an innocuous question like “What time’s the next bus” or make a random remark like “Boy, its hot today”, and before you know it you are having a chat with this stranger, start discovering common friends, shared hobbies or mutual dislikes and just like that, you make a connection. With someone who was a complete stranger only few minutes ago. You just hit it off, as simple as that.

You were never supposed to go out that night. It was movie night at home snuggled up on the couch in your PJs. A friend drags you out of the house, you go clubbing against your will, meet a cute guy, fall in love, marry and have his babies (stop being cynical, it happens!).

A one second spilt decision can change the course of your whole life. You can play “What if” scenarios in your head as much as you like. But no one can tell you what would have happened if you would have taken a different decision than the one you took. Is it destiny? Is it fate? Was it bound to happen?

I don’t know. But what I do know is bizarre, strange, unbelievable things happen in life all the time. We just need acknowledge and embrace them.

A little more faith, a little less sarcasm. A little more smile, a little less rolling of eyes. A little more trust, a little less scepticism. A little more encouraging nods, a little less nonchalant shoulder shrugs. A little more belief, a little less doubt. A little more dreamy, a little less real.

Be open to experiences that defy norm. Take decisions that raise eyebrows. Do things that make people a little uncomfortable. Let your life inspire Art. So when a movie is made on your life, it’s not a boring and dull one. But a movie that people watch and say “Hey, that does not happen in real life”.

A game I love playing, try it! Which actor would best portray you on screen? I am torn...Konkana Sen Sharma or Kajol? Meg Ryan or Michelle Pfeiffer?

In-Out-In Again-Out Again-In Again

What gives people the right to drop in and out of our lives as they deem fit is completely beyond me? And why I let them do so is something that will take years of therapy to dwell into.

People should make a declaration before entering your life:

1) “I will be with you forever and ever whether you like it or not”
2) “I am here for you now and will be around as long as you need/want me”
3) “I will be with you for ‘enter definite period of time’. After that I am gone”
4) “I am here for this minute. The next minute I have no clue”
5) “I don’t exist in your life”

And they should not be allowed to move categories without getting prior written permission. In that way the control is in my hand.

On the other hand, I can just refuse people entry in my life and heart. Play the game on my terms. If only I had learnt that!

But isn’t it said that it’s too late to teach an old dog, new tricks?