Of Mothers and Daughters. Happy Mother's Day

Of Mothers and Daughters

When you become a mom yourself, it makes you aware of everything you have put your mum through. And you finally understand what unconditional love is all about. But you also get a little lost in your own motherhood trials and joys that the time you had in your life for your own mum, goes down. Though her value goes up exponentially. 

My post yesterday spoke about the beautiful bond between mums and sons. Mothers and daughters have an equally beautiful though a different type of bond. 

Mothers and daughters are naturally tied together in love. But this bond also has a friendship. It has a kinship. Its based on shared experiences and common likes.  It has its ground in similar desires and subsequently similar scarifies. It's a relationship of equal footing, pretty much from the onset. There is a tinge of competitiveness. And there is bulk of appreciation. 

Its about routine conversations tempered with family gossip.

About having mum recipes yet always feeling that it never turns out like hers.

About shared experiences and hidden secrets.

About hand-me-down saris and jhumkas that are still your favourite ones.

About eye contacts that pass messages oblivious to everyone else in the room.

My mum has always been my voice of reason. She never minced her words and held up the mirror no matter how the ugly the reflection was. I am forever grateful for that. She showed me my true self, while constantly encouraging me to better myself.

There were as many pats on the back for job well done as there pushes to trudge me along. There were as many encouraging words as there were rule books. As much laughter as there were tears. And memories to last a lifetime.

The mother-daughter bond grows stronger over the years. When I was a a toddler, I was such a daddy's girl- to some extent still am. I used to lie to my dad that my mum scolded me, just so that he would take me in his lap and console me. It drove my mum mad, as I can so imagine now. 

As I grew older I confided in her more and more. I used to come back from school and sit on the kitchen counter and tell her everything that happened in the day while she made my favourite bread pakoras. 

In my teen years she took me shopping even though it exasperated her that I was not a careful shopper. I did not bother looking at ten shops before buying one item. I bought the first one I liked. She still can't fathom my shopping ways. 

As I grew older she became my friend and was always around to listen. The endless stories and the unending sagas. They grew more complicated and intense with time, but she listened patiently. Like she does till date. 

All mums make sacrifices. My mum made many too. She did not buy a new sari for her niece's wedding so I could buy contact lenses instead of wearing my glasses. She gave up eating meat years ago, but made the best koftas and fried fish for us. She walked to the market instead of taking the rickshaw so she could save money for that extra chocolate bar. She went to school to copy pages and pages of notes when I was bed ridden at home with a fracture. She stayed up nights when I was studying for my board exams and made me coffee in the wee hours of the morning. 

I can't possibly  list everything she has done for me. Even a million pages won't be sufficient.

Mama I love you. I may not say it as often now. But I love you so much. 

Yes mothers and daughters share a special bond. It's the bond above all else. It's the bond of motherhood. 

Tiger mother needs Tiger balm to soothe her senses

Amy Chua came up in conversation few weeks ago and that was the first I heard of this “tiger mother”. She is an America “author” (I believe the term is used very loosely nowadays. One book does not an author make. Well ‘technically’ it does, but author is such a commanding and awe inspiring profession-to me at least- I find it misused tremendously). Anyway, so back to Madam Amy Chua, a Chinese-American who has recently come out with a book called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. Here she states the golden parenting rules accordingly to her and it all basically boils down to “Push your kids to stretch their potential. As they are kids, and mum knows best. And yes, did I mentioned push them?”


Push to get A+ in school- Obviously Amy is not familiar with Singapore’s international schools where ‘we believe in developing the child’s personality and inner strength’ is a the mantra. Took me awhile to get used to that principle and not keep asking “Yes, sure. But when will he learn to read and spell?”

She even notes (and rightly so) that if a western child gets a B grade, his parents will probably be happy and congratulate him and may be a perfunctory “try harder next time but good job”. But in a Chinese household, hell would break loose and the mother would gasp in horror and demand to know “what happened?”

Pursue a hobby aggressively and competitively- Amy (who is a Yale lawyer by the way- guess being an over achiever paid off for her!) states in her book that a Western mum would get her child to practice the piano may be for 15 to 20 mins a day. But a Chinese mum knows that that’s the easy bit. Its next 2 hours that are critical ones. JEEZ!

And the Nazi ones- like no sleepovers, no play dates, no TV, no computer games…SERIOUSLY!

I have been hearing and reading a lot about Amy Chua and her book since then. On the web, in conversations and today Sunday Times has covered a whole section on her book. Many Singaporean-American mums have cried hoarse that Amy’s style does not reflect the general parenting patterns of Chinese mums.

Melvin Tan an opera pianist commented that Amy’s book brings focus on the white elephant which is-why Asian kids outperform Western kids at school. Errrr isn’t this like racial profiling? It may have an element of truth in it, but still a gross generalization!

Another columnist whose name escapes me (Colin Goh?) said that Amy’s style is closer to Genghis Khan than Chinese mums :)

And one other very rightly pointed out that ,what if a tiger mother gives birth to a kitten instead of a cub? Then would you not need to change your parenting style?

So now that so many people have so many reactions, I had to put in my 2 cents worth too. Like I always do. But only on subjects I am familiar with. You will never catch me talking about stock markets, tech gadgets, investments or anything remotely important like that. Because I do not like to talk about things I don’t know much about (don’t ask how I survive in advertising!). My views are restricted to the mundane and the frivolous.

So my first reaction was- FREAK! Who treats their kids like that? And which desi mum have you been hanging out with? Ok. THAT WAS A JOKE! But admit it! We all know such ‘First kyon nahin aaya’ Indian 'sherni' mums too.

And then my reaction was that she is either a publicity hound, or super brilliant. She is writing a book about parenting and criticizing Western mums parental techniques. And this is in America! Where they have an Oprah hangover and love discussing touchy-feely emotional issues on end. She would surely know that there would be massive public opinion and backlash.

So publicity hound. Or sheer brilliant way to increase book sales! People all over are talking about her and high chance they buy the book just coz of the hype.(Please dont! If you have massive urge borrow it from the library or a prison near you where the jailor is reading it to learn new tips)

For all you know, she is actually a pretty chilled mum who just had a fabulous business idea! ;) For such entrepreneurial skills, she should thank here Chinese upbringing.

On a serious note…if she really has raised her kids like that (and by the way, they are super smart and have turned out to be brilliant pianist and stuff like that), then good for her. She has raised the go getter kids she always wanted.


Now only if the kids also wanted to turn out this way…then it would be perfect. But something tells me, it may not be case. And that just makes me sad...Wish Amy knew that life trumps grades...

p.s. for all those interested in my super parenting skills, watch out this space!