The Legacy we are leaving behind

There has been a lot of coverage this week on First Lady Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic national convention. My knowledge of US politics is more "House of Cards" and "Madame secretary", so I cannot comment on the political aspect of her speech. What stood out for me is what she said about us being role models for our children. 

"And make no mistake about it, this November when we go to the polls that is what we’re deciding, not Democrat or Republican, not left or right. No, in this election and every election is about who will have the power to shape our children for the next four or eight years of their lives"

She (or her savvy speech writer) turned the conversation away from politics and back to the one thing everyone is most concerned about i.e. our future, which is our children.

So that begs the question, what legacy are we leaving behind for them? What are they learning from our actions? Every time we show our road rage, or gossip about the neighbor, or speak rudely to someone, or keep quiet when we see something wrong happening, what message are we sending? 

Kids observe. Even when we think they are engrossed in their world, but they take in everything.

We complain about the gadget overuse of our children on whatsapp groups with other parents. The irony of it! We can't ask kids to sleep on time when they know we are out late every other night. They learn by watching us. 

There is a lot we have to teach them. From faith to honesty and hard work to perseverance. But here are four qualities we must make sure they imbibe as these are what the world needs most today.

1) We are all the same

Have you caught yourself (even if it's ever so lightly) making fun of someone's accent? Or an offhand comment on someone's body shape or size? We all have been guilty of such indiscretions at some point. And if it has happened in the presence of a child, rest assured the message they got is that it's ok to look at people differently. 

The message we need to drive home is that we are not that different. No matter our religion, or caste, or skin color, or nationality, or gender or even our gender preference.

The simplest analogy is the Shakespeare stage-actor one. Kids need to understand that each one of us is the same inside. Outwardly we play different roles, in various costumes, but that comes with the script we have been provided. Inwardly we all are the same. We all need love. We all crave affection. We all desire friendships. We all just want to be accepted for who we are. 

2) Being different is not a bad thing

Before we begin accepting each other, we need to accept ourselves and our circumstances. Today children don't lead traditional lives. Divorce, same-sex parents, third culture kids, these are all part of our lives.

Our children need to accept their circumstances and make the best of it. A tragedy cannot be used as a shield. A setback should not be reason for despair. They can only do this if we lead the way.

Do we compare ourselves to others and always see where our life falls short? Or do we accept what we have- the opportunities and the problems- to carve our path forward? Let them learn from us that they have deal with whatever life throws at them. And our individuality comes through our differences. 

3) Privilege has to be put to good use

Our children are privileged. There is no denying that. They have tons more than we had growing up, and lesser people to share it with. It's easy for selfishness to creep in. 

We need to constantly show them that they have to be considerate to the ones who have less than us. Whether it's giving part of birthday money to a charity or volunteering time at the animal shelter, we need to set an example. We have to be conscious of our conspicuous  consumption habits so they learn restraint.

4) There is no substitute for kindness

My first advice to Sanil about friendships was 'You don't have to be friends with everyone, you don't even gave to like everyone, but you ALWAYS have to be kind to everyone'. Don't allow your children to exclude other kids. Children can be cruel. We all have experienced bullying in some way, shape or form. 

Our children need to learn compassion. And it can only happen if we are empathetic towards others. 

So let's leave behind a legacy of oneness, of collaboration, of tolerance. As without these, our children will not have the kind of world we envision for them. 

Of Mothers and Sons

I cried. In the doctors clinic and then sitting on a bench on Orchard Road. In the middle of Singapore's bustling shopping street. I cried. Actually I bawled. Reason was that the gynae had just informed me that I was going to have a boy.

A boy?! What was I supposed to do with a BOY? I could hear my dreams being smashed like glass that cracks when a rock is thrown at it. Dreams of ribbons and laces. Or reading Enid Blyton novels under the afternoon sun in a park. Of playing dress up. Of having a room full of Barbie dolls. Or sharing secrets over the kitchen counter. And watching old episodes of 'Gilmore Girls' together. Of doll houses and tutus. It was all over now!

I know. All one should ever hope for is a healthy baby. I was VERY grateful that I was going to be a mum. I wanted to be one since I was 18. This was happening 10 years too late. So I was extremely thrilled and immensely excited. But I would be lying if I don't say that I was disappointed too.

However nothing could have prepared me for what would happen when I held Sanil in my arms for the first time. There is a gush of love that you never knew you could feel for any one individual. There was feeling of intense protectiveness. I will never ever let anything happen to my little baby. I will shield him from every pain, every hurt. And in a few days I had to take him for his first vaccination and I cried. He didn't. But I did. The doctor looked at me and sympathetically said 'If you cry every time, he cries, you won't last very long'. I though b%^&% in my head but smiled politely.

Now am sure every mum feels like that about their newborn. However as time progressed I realized that a bond that a mother shares with her son, is totally something else. I once read somewhere 'Being a mother to a son is like being the only star in your very own Hollywood production'. You are the be-all-and-end-all of his existence. At least till the girlfriends start circling like vultures. Ok. I know I am being nasty, but I can't imagine myself actually liking any of his girlfriends. And I digress...

There is still time for that...for now I want to only think of him as my baby.

When he was 3 months old I started work again. I came home in the evenings and held him in my arms to feed him, he would hold my finger so tightly. Like he would never let go of me.

He used to sleep in his cot in our room. He never cried when he woke up. But I knew his routine. So I used to wake up at 7 am and look over his cot. And there was the most beaming smile I could ever receive from anyone. He would raise his arms and I scooped him up and gave him a tight hug.

Since he could talk, he told me everything. And I mean everything. Every small minute detail that happened in the day. When he started with 'Mama you know what' or 'Mama I have to tell you something', I knew long stories with dramatic expressions would fill the next 10 minutes. I listened patiently. I never wanted to story to end.

Boys are boys. They are boisterous, loud and sometimes obnoxious. They prefer soccer to books and 'Iron Man' to 'Little Women'. They don't see anything wrong in being dirty or muddy. And can't fathom what's the big fuss about clean floors.

They look up to their dads , their uncles, their grand-dads and want to be the 'man'. However they become little babies with the mamas. Mamas who cuddle them, wipe their tears and nurse the bruised knees. Also the same mamas who push them to their potential. Who steer them when they seem to lose their way. Who know commanding won't get you anywhere. But minor cajoling will. Who encourage their passions. And help them overcome their shortcomings. Who are honest yet loving. Truthful yet caring. I am so not one of the mum who believes her son can do no wrong. In fact sometimes I feel I am harsher than necessary. I can't raise a delusional child who thinks he's always right. I can only encourage him constantly to be the best he can be.

Mums are the only ones who boys are truly vulnerable with. They open their hearts and share their souls.

When they are rude, you know they are actually scared

When they are grinning, you know they have done something naughty

When they are concentrating, you know it's really important

When they are angry, you know they are actually sad

When they are annoyed, you know they are actually disappointed

And you learn this very quickly. So you adapt your reaction to the real emotion behind the mask.

It's an unending bond. That becomes looser when they approach their tweens. They become more sullen, more uncommunicative and sometimes aloof. Their eyes are glued to cricket and fingers are busy with the iPad. Their friends become the centre of their existence.

And just when you worry that you have lost them, they give you a tight hug out of nowhere and beg you to play UNO with them.

You just have to be there. Sometimes be content to watch from the sidelines. And wait. Patiently. Because they will come back to you. May be not as often as when they were 5. But they will. And get interested in what interests them. Even if it means watching reruns of IPL and hearing stories about soccer goals till your head hurts. Or even learning the ridiculous Gangnam Style...and enjoying it

It is an eternal bond. It never breaks. And when it gets loose, let go, instead of holding on.

I don't know if I am successfully doing it, but am sure hell trying.

Happy Mothers Day!

'All I needed to do to find the perfect man, was to give birth to one' Miranda Hobbes Sex and the City

My newborn baby! At the naming ceremony

At B-Ita's Wedding. All of 11 months

Awwwww

Big Brother to Little Myrah

Tiger mother needs Tiger balm to soothe her senses

Amy Chua came up in conversation few weeks ago and that was the first I heard of this “tiger mother”. She is an America “author” (I believe the term is used very loosely nowadays. One book does not an author make. Well ‘technically’ it does, but author is such a commanding and awe inspiring profession-to me at least- I find it misused tremendously). Anyway, so back to Madam Amy Chua, a Chinese-American who has recently come out with a book called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. Here she states the golden parenting rules accordingly to her and it all basically boils down to “Push your kids to stretch their potential. As they are kids, and mum knows best. And yes, did I mentioned push them?”


Push to get A+ in school- Obviously Amy is not familiar with Singapore’s international schools where ‘we believe in developing the child’s personality and inner strength’ is a the mantra. Took me awhile to get used to that principle and not keep asking “Yes, sure. But when will he learn to read and spell?”

She even notes (and rightly so) that if a western child gets a B grade, his parents will probably be happy and congratulate him and may be a perfunctory “try harder next time but good job”. But in a Chinese household, hell would break loose and the mother would gasp in horror and demand to know “what happened?”

Pursue a hobby aggressively and competitively- Amy (who is a Yale lawyer by the way- guess being an over achiever paid off for her!) states in her book that a Western mum would get her child to practice the piano may be for 15 to 20 mins a day. But a Chinese mum knows that that’s the easy bit. Its next 2 hours that are critical ones. JEEZ!

And the Nazi ones- like no sleepovers, no play dates, no TV, no computer games…SERIOUSLY!

I have been hearing and reading a lot about Amy Chua and her book since then. On the web, in conversations and today Sunday Times has covered a whole section on her book. Many Singaporean-American mums have cried hoarse that Amy’s style does not reflect the general parenting patterns of Chinese mums.

Melvin Tan an opera pianist commented that Amy’s book brings focus on the white elephant which is-why Asian kids outperform Western kids at school. Errrr isn’t this like racial profiling? It may have an element of truth in it, but still a gross generalization!

Another columnist whose name escapes me (Colin Goh?) said that Amy’s style is closer to Genghis Khan than Chinese mums :)

And one other very rightly pointed out that ,what if a tiger mother gives birth to a kitten instead of a cub? Then would you not need to change your parenting style?

So now that so many people have so many reactions, I had to put in my 2 cents worth too. Like I always do. But only on subjects I am familiar with. You will never catch me talking about stock markets, tech gadgets, investments or anything remotely important like that. Because I do not like to talk about things I don’t know much about (don’t ask how I survive in advertising!). My views are restricted to the mundane and the frivolous.

So my first reaction was- FREAK! Who treats their kids like that? And which desi mum have you been hanging out with? Ok. THAT WAS A JOKE! But admit it! We all know such ‘First kyon nahin aaya’ Indian 'sherni' mums too.

And then my reaction was that she is either a publicity hound, or super brilliant. She is writing a book about parenting and criticizing Western mums parental techniques. And this is in America! Where they have an Oprah hangover and love discussing touchy-feely emotional issues on end. She would surely know that there would be massive public opinion and backlash.

So publicity hound. Or sheer brilliant way to increase book sales! People all over are talking about her and high chance they buy the book just coz of the hype.(Please dont! If you have massive urge borrow it from the library or a prison near you where the jailor is reading it to learn new tips)

For all you know, she is actually a pretty chilled mum who just had a fabulous business idea! ;) For such entrepreneurial skills, she should thank here Chinese upbringing.

On a serious note…if she really has raised her kids like that (and by the way, they are super smart and have turned out to be brilliant pianist and stuff like that), then good for her. She has raised the go getter kids she always wanted.


Now only if the kids also wanted to turn out this way…then it would be perfect. But something tells me, it may not be case. And that just makes me sad...Wish Amy knew that life trumps grades...

p.s. for all those interested in my super parenting skills, watch out this space!