The pain is the same

At a lunch party this week, once again the ‘tiger mother’ topic came up. One of my friends referenced a blog where a mum wrote that the kind of mother one is can be largely dependent on the social strata you are in. Take yourself a few rungs down in income, career and education, and perhaps you will be more of a tiger mother than you are now. As much as I would like to think that I would never be anything like a tiger mother, I am a more of a ‘follow your heart and do your thing as long as you are not harming anyone’ kind of person. But that point stayed with me.

Yesterday I watched this absolutely fabulous film- Do Dooni Char- a beautiful touching, yet humorous, portrayal of middle class Delhi teacher (played brilliantly and so realistically by Rishi Kapoor- my second fav movie of his now after Kabhie Kabhie) and his middle class family. It will tickle your funny bone and pull your heart strings, both at the same time. It showcases the daily grind and issues faced by middle class families in India as they fail to make ends meet with increasing consumerism demands. Side-bar- It was an absolute delight to watch Neetu Singh back on screen. She is the best! And am so glad she did not make a comeback with a glam-sham Karan Johar movie, but instead chose this one.

And this evening I finally managed to watch Dhobighat. I will need to dedicate a whole post to talking about that movie. It was simply divine! The reason it makes its way to this post (while still retaining a whole post of its own too) is that Dhobighat also bought into limelight a similar issue of class ideologies and what happens when the 2 worlds converge.



All this made me wonder...how different are we from each other? And I came to the conclusion that people’s emotions are exactly the same. You cannot classify love, hurt, pain, passion, longing, homesickness into working, middle and upper class.

When ‘Duggal sir’ in Do Dooni Char finds out that his son has been betting on cricket and making money, he makes him distribute all his winnings to street children. There is no shouting, yelling or any sort of punishment. Yes there is hurt, and there is a realization on how parenting teen kids can be a daunting task. It’s no different from how you or I would feel. We may react in different ways- depending on our temperaments and means-but the feelings don’t change.

A teacher living in a one bedroom apartment in Delhi suburbs and we living in high rise condos in district 9 and 15 in Singapore- are both helpless to protect our children from societies growing vices.

When in Dhobighat ‘Yasmin’ was making a video diary of her new life in Bombay to send back to her brother in UP, the pain in her voice when she missed her family was just what I used to feel when I first came to Singapore. She was in Bombay trying to get used to the big city life while enjoying all it has to offer, but she pined for her home. It took me back 13 years...I too had a made an audio diary of my life in Singapore for my family and friends- I told them of my new experiences here and I reminded them how much I missed them and longed to be back to my Bombay, back to them.

There is a big social divide between Yasmin and me. I have the means to fulfil my desires of being closer to my family. She did not. That was the only point of difference. The pain we both went through, the longing of wanting to be back home was exactly the same.

We forget this. We forget that all that all that separates us from them is that we have the means to change our situation. These means are usually monetary and sometimes social leverage. We forget that with kind of incomes we earn and careers we keep, we are a very small percentage of the society at large.

When it rained continously last weekend, we all cribbed how it prevented us from going out. Going out to spend more money and buy more thing we don't need. For most others it means that they will have to find innovative ways to prevent their make shift roof from leaking, or spend hours trying to get the rain water out of their houses.

When there is a power cut in urban India, we can barely survive those few hours without our TV and air con. And we forget that millions of people still don't have the luxury of electricity.

Quoting a dialogue from Kal ho na ho- “Apni nazar se dekho toh tumharein paas bahut kum hai, kisi aur ki nazar se dekho toh bahut jyada”.

Let’s try not to take these privileges for granted- because that's exactly what they are- privileges. Given to us by God Almighty and can be taken away anytime...Let’s remember that the pain is same.

Tiger mother needs Tiger balm to soothe her senses

Amy Chua came up in conversation few weeks ago and that was the first I heard of this “tiger mother”. She is an America “author” (I believe the term is used very loosely nowadays. One book does not an author make. Well ‘technically’ it does, but author is such a commanding and awe inspiring profession-to me at least- I find it misused tremendously). Anyway, so back to Madam Amy Chua, a Chinese-American who has recently come out with a book called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. Here she states the golden parenting rules accordingly to her and it all basically boils down to “Push your kids to stretch their potential. As they are kids, and mum knows best. And yes, did I mentioned push them?”


Push to get A+ in school- Obviously Amy is not familiar with Singapore’s international schools where ‘we believe in developing the child’s personality and inner strength’ is a the mantra. Took me awhile to get used to that principle and not keep asking “Yes, sure. But when will he learn to read and spell?”

She even notes (and rightly so) that if a western child gets a B grade, his parents will probably be happy and congratulate him and may be a perfunctory “try harder next time but good job”. But in a Chinese household, hell would break loose and the mother would gasp in horror and demand to know “what happened?”

Pursue a hobby aggressively and competitively- Amy (who is a Yale lawyer by the way- guess being an over achiever paid off for her!) states in her book that a Western mum would get her child to practice the piano may be for 15 to 20 mins a day. But a Chinese mum knows that that’s the easy bit. Its next 2 hours that are critical ones. JEEZ!

And the Nazi ones- like no sleepovers, no play dates, no TV, no computer games…SERIOUSLY!

I have been hearing and reading a lot about Amy Chua and her book since then. On the web, in conversations and today Sunday Times has covered a whole section on her book. Many Singaporean-American mums have cried hoarse that Amy’s style does not reflect the general parenting patterns of Chinese mums.

Melvin Tan an opera pianist commented that Amy’s book brings focus on the white elephant which is-why Asian kids outperform Western kids at school. Errrr isn’t this like racial profiling? It may have an element of truth in it, but still a gross generalization!

Another columnist whose name escapes me (Colin Goh?) said that Amy’s style is closer to Genghis Khan than Chinese mums :)

And one other very rightly pointed out that ,what if a tiger mother gives birth to a kitten instead of a cub? Then would you not need to change your parenting style?

So now that so many people have so many reactions, I had to put in my 2 cents worth too. Like I always do. But only on subjects I am familiar with. You will never catch me talking about stock markets, tech gadgets, investments or anything remotely important like that. Because I do not like to talk about things I don’t know much about (don’t ask how I survive in advertising!). My views are restricted to the mundane and the frivolous.

So my first reaction was- FREAK! Who treats their kids like that? And which desi mum have you been hanging out with? Ok. THAT WAS A JOKE! But admit it! We all know such ‘First kyon nahin aaya’ Indian 'sherni' mums too.

And then my reaction was that she is either a publicity hound, or super brilliant. She is writing a book about parenting and criticizing Western mums parental techniques. And this is in America! Where they have an Oprah hangover and love discussing touchy-feely emotional issues on end. She would surely know that there would be massive public opinion and backlash.

So publicity hound. Or sheer brilliant way to increase book sales! People all over are talking about her and high chance they buy the book just coz of the hype.(Please dont! If you have massive urge borrow it from the library or a prison near you where the jailor is reading it to learn new tips)

For all you know, she is actually a pretty chilled mum who just had a fabulous business idea! ;) For such entrepreneurial skills, she should thank here Chinese upbringing.

On a serious note…if she really has raised her kids like that (and by the way, they are super smart and have turned out to be brilliant pianist and stuff like that), then good for her. She has raised the go getter kids she always wanted.


Now only if the kids also wanted to turn out this way…then it would be perfect. But something tells me, it may not be case. And that just makes me sad...Wish Amy knew that life trumps grades...

p.s. for all those interested in my super parenting skills, watch out this space!

In 2011 I resolve to....

1) Lose weight and have a toned body- This is a default choice every year. And one that is toughest to keep. So here's hoping this year will be different...

2) Do it differently- Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. So here is to doing things differently this year and getting unexpected and desired results

3) Focus on the task and not the result- Karm kar, phal ki chinta na kar

4) Good Karmas rule- And this includes good thoughts too. Here is to remembering this when my mind is playing visual images of immediate annihilation for some people and things

5) Give people a chance- And have faith that they will see how right you are ;)

6) Keep the faith- And the belief, even when evidence points to the contrary

7) Believe more- In Krishna, in yourself and in the good of human kind

8) Be good- In deed, in thought and in spirit

9) Beckon the spirits- The non-alcoholic kind... and be more spiritual and zen-like

10) Stay zen-calm- NO MATTER WHAT (okie, that's a very tall order for me and even harder than resolution No.1). So aim to do it more often than in 2010

Here is wishing everyone a happy new year. May 2011 be everything 2010 desired to be but fell short of. And the good things that came to you in 2010, may they come back ten-fold in 2011!

Old Friends

The inspiration to write this post came from some old friends who were over for a housewarming dinner last night. Now here is the thing...I am rather old. So old friends to me always meant really old friends i.e. from school days, basically childhood friends.


I never ever thought I that would have a different set of ‘old friends’. And here I must add- old is referring to the amount of time I have known these friends and not a dig at anyone’s age. But last nite got me wondering about the different sets of ‘old friends’ I have now gathered. The ones in Singapore are still relatively ‘new’ compared to the ones in Bombay- but after a decade plus of being here, well they have reserved their spot in the ‘old friends’ club as well.

OK, so what is the point of this? Actually am not sure myself! This is so going to be one of those rambling posts (even more so than the others!). So brace yourself (if you are still with me that is.)

This morning I woke up and the first instinct was to thank God for all my wonderful friends. It was almost of a reflex prayer and something I do not do enough of- thank God, rather than just ask for more. And that is the reason why I started writing this post. Am still not quite sure where I am going with this...but I shall make it up as I go along...

Friends are God's way of taking care of us. So starting from the oldest to the newest, here are my forever friends:

1) My Cousins- I am extremely lucky as my family counts as my closest friends. My brothers and sisters are the very best! Jyoti, Deepu, Kamal, Bunty, Heena and Vinky- without you childhood would have never been half as much fun!

2) Building friends- They are the oldest friends I have ever had. I am a very different person now from what I was when they knew me. My good nature ;) and bad temper is consistent- which frankly my each set of friends will vouch ( for especially the bad temper part- they all will have at least one story each about when I have completely lost it). I used to be a very shy child, did not make friends very easily, was rather chup-chup. You had to get to know me to see my friendly and talkative side.

And here’s is a big thanks to ones who thought it was worth spending that time. Special mention to Anubha, Rashika, Monika, Bijili/Nikki, Chaitali and Sadhvie. Many of the others have gone different way, some still live on Facebook and others I meet every year when I go back home in Dec (which is in a week’s time!). My first old friends are my building friends.

3) School friends- Now here is the thing- I had a hand few of close school friends. Goes back to me being terribly shy. And those close ones- I can’t find them on FB! And one of my regrets is that I did not try hard enough to keep in touch after we left school. So Shakuntala, Jaspreet and Ujju- wherever you are, hope you are healthy and happy.

4) College friends- Life kinda went into top gear when I was 16 and started ‘college’. FYJC and SYJC (first year junior college and second year junior college) were the most fun years of my life. And the friends I made there have stayed with me since.

From ‘do you think he likes me?’ to ‘do you think I should marry him’. From crushes to crashes. From miniskirts to halter neck sari blouses. From sitting next to each other in class room (or Ladies Common Room) then to brunches now. From sharing our first drink (and smoke) then to finishing bottles of wine now. We have grown up together and seen each other through many ups and downs. Unni, Sash, Daisy, Rash, Janu, Mich, Geeta- the best girl friend gang EVER.

I read somewhere "A good girl friend is a sister that destiny forgot to give you." And this rings true for you Unnati!

5) MBA friends- This was supposed to be the time I got serious in life- about growing up, planning for the future, choosing a good career path. Yeah. I never did any of the above. I had more nonsensical type of fun in my MBA days than I had in ungrad. And planning for the future...well I could not choose my major until the absolute last minute. I actually had to pull my application out of majoring in HR into Marketing just the evening before. And finally I ended up in advertising! For which you don’t even need a graduation degree let alone an MBA.

But it was all worth it! Pallavi, Nikhil, Tewari, Meenal, Apruv, Sumi, Aps, Sree, Deepak, Pat- thanks for making the 2 years super fun!

6) Ambience friends- Ok once I stepped out of the ‘education’ phase (and I use that in quotes) to the “career” phase (and I use that in quotes too- double ones), I thought I would never make real friends anymore. I would meet new people and like some of them and have a good time in office. But that would stay within the confines of office. My friend Divya shared the same sentiments. But to both our surprise, life had different plans for us. 13 years later and we are still close friends- Divya, Sonul (yes it’s Sonal with a ‘u’) and Monisha. And all our kids are almost the same age- which makes us even closer.

From here onwards starts my journey in making and finding friends in Singapore (are you seriously still with me? If so, kudos to you!)

7) First office friends (Lacek and ICLP)- And the friends who inspired this post. My newest bunch of ‘old friends’. I met them in my first job in Singapore and the rest as they say is history. Here is to Kevin, KC, Mas, Christina, Adeline, Neeta, David and Goldie. From old T&T jokes that actually never get old ;) to new experiences that we continue sharing with each other (ideally over my fabulous mojitos).

8) Tanjong Ria friends- These set of friends made family life so pleasurable. From potluck lunches to Diwali card parties. From Tanjong Rhu walks to ECP holi celebrations. I have enjoyed my motherhood and family years in their company tremendously! Alpna, Rashi, Isha, Purnima, Nimisha, Sona, Nidhi, Vijaya, Manjusha, Pamela and Priya. Even though we are not in Tanjong Ria anymore, its lovely to know you all are still a part of my life.

9) The boys- Andrew, Neel and Nadim. Sorry was not sure where to fit you guys. Under “McCann” friends seemed rather lame, as we have been friends much after those McCann days are over. So here is to the best guy friends a girl can ever have!

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

I read this quote somewhere and it stuck with me. Last 2 years have not been the easiest ones in my seemingly long life. And these friends entered my life at the point when I needed new friends the most. And they stayed. When many other old ‘friends’ chose not to.

Archana, Riva, Manisha, Ashu, Kaushal, Arjun, Aarti-1, Aarti-2, Vidya, Amit, Anushka, Bharti, Rach, Dibyo, Kaylin and Cherylene. The last 2 years would have been almost impossible to bear had it not been for you all. (BTW C, Rach- I don't have any pix with you guys so there is no photographic evidence of us being friends. May be screen grabs of daily IM chats?)

Well I am getting to the end of the post (yes it is ending soon. I now can understand how Ashutosh Gowariker feels. It’s difficult to edit when there is so much to say).

Now that I have so many sets of old friends and new entrants who I sincerely hope will be old friends too some day, is the friendship journey is complete? The way friends have popped into my life- many times when least expected- I think not.

Again to borrow a quote: "Strangers are just friends waiting to happen." So am looking forward to making a new set of friends. And if one of them can be a charming, good humoured, tall, handsome guy with a 6 pack and biceps and intellectual and cultural sensitivities, then life would be kinda perfect. Well...a girl can a dream ;)

Out of my comfort zone

I am a creature of habit. I like things a certain way (yes yes roll your eyes and think ‘anal control freak'), I like familiarity, I like a sense of routine. I will flirt with new stores (Ice at PP strongly recommended) but I seek solace in Zara. I will try new restaurants (Don Quijote in Dempsey- must visit) but I still crave for my idli and filter coffee at Murugan’s. And I am not ashamed of any of this.


I do enjoy spontaneity and impromptu plans and doing things out of the blue- but overall I take comfort in a structure of sorts.

So yeah I am a creature of habit. I don’t like not knowing about things. I don’t take part in activities that I am not good that. I need to be in the know. It’s all a part of being able to control things as much as possible. Though at this point I must add, I never worry about things that are obviously not in my control. Death, earthquakes, stock market crashes, train delays, terrorist’s attacks- these never faze me. As I can’t control them. So why bother wasting time and energy worrying about them? I have Krishna to look out for me on these fronts.

But the mortal aspects of life- yes I like to control them. And that’s why over the years I have built and pretty much lived in my comfort zone. This comfort zone is sometimes an actual physical zone. Like my friend used to incessantly tease me about my never having any desire or inclination to leave Juhu (let alone Bombay). Some of my comfort zones are mental like Jagjit Singh ghazals, Hrishikesh Mukherjee movies, my classic novels. MANY are food related- Maggi masala (only the one from India), mom's dal chawal, Awfully Chocolate's chocolate cake- well this lits can just go on and on. And some are more surreal ones like the ocean. So I have many of these varied comfort zones.

Hence at the beginning of this year I made a resolution to do things that are out of my comfort zone. And here is what I accomplished this year. Some big ones, some small ones and some completely trivial and meaningless but out of my comfort zone nonetheless.

1) Non beach holiday: In March I took a trip to Siem Reap by myself. Instead of the usual beach resort holiday- which would be, well comfortable. Siem Reap also marked my 2nd holiday all alone. First being Lagkawi (yes a beach resort).

2) Taking charge of my finances: From someone who did not know (and sometimes still struggles with) balancing a cheque book, try comparing home loans and insurance policies! But with help of some very sweet friends, I succeeded in this too.

3) Running the marathon: And I use the word ‘running’ loosely here. I 'run' slower than most people walk. But for me to run 20 mins on a treadmill was one of the biggest achievements ever! I have never been- and still am not- an athletic person. I do not enjoy sports and PE (or PT as we called it) was my worse period in school. No, actually that would be needle work! PE came a close- very close- second. So to start running on a treadmill, progressing to a cross trainer and then running on the streets was a triumph!

And running the 10K marathon was a dream! I never thought I had it in me. But I did it! The first 2 km were tough as I could see people who started 15 mins after me, racing ahead and I thought to myself “I can never complete this!” But I stuck with it and did pretty good till the 8th kilometre. And then came the F1 pit stretch with the scorching heat, and I was about to stop, sit, take a nap and then continue after an hour or so. But once again, I pushed myself. And reaching the finish line was one of the most fulfilling moments ever!

4) Sushi time: I had never had sushi until last Sunday. There I have said it. It’s in the open now. I am not a fan of Japanese food. The only Asian food I absolutely love is Thai. (India per me is not part of Asia, so Indian food is not Asian food). And the thought of eating raw fish never seemed appealing and it looked so bland! But I had decided at the beginning of 2010, I would eat sushi. And I have delayed it time after time. Fish curry, paella, tapas, red curry chicken, chole bature, paneer chilly, pizza- there are so many much much much tastier things to eat than sushi. So I did what I do whenever I need to get out of my comfort zone- I procrastinated.

Then finally I did it! A celebratory lunch post the marathon was required and it was Sushi! Thanks again Riva and Kaushal :)

The other smaller out-of-comfort-zone activities included:

• Cutting my hair shot (and getting highlights)

• Starting to learn a language. (I have a terrible ear for languages and only know Hindi and English, of which can read and write English only). Trying to add Spanish to my language repertoire now. Olla!

• Not crying every time Sanil is away from me

• Making a mean gajjar halwa (I am a chocolate cake, hazelnut mousse kinda girl)

• Reading motivational books (I am a Jane Austen girl who likes a dash of thrillers)

So it was a rather eventful year. Good things happened as did many bad things. But I survived another year and grew up a little too (and yes grew older also in the process).

But there are many more personal mountains to scale.My biggest one will be to try my hand (or rather mind) at meditation. That will be a toughie! My friend in college used to bet me 10 bucks if I could sit still in class for 5 mins without fidgeting or moving. It could be an easy 10 bucks every time! Except I never got it, as being still for 5 mins is an unaccomplished feat for me!

Another thing I want to attempt doing which will be COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone is learning art of patience and not losing my temper. That battle will be my personal Kurukshetra.

There are many fears to overcome and a lot of courage to build to step out of more comfort zones. But hopefully by end of 2011 I shall be writing a post longer than this one on my out-of-comfort-zone achievements.

Now I am off to my couch to watch back to back episodes of Gossip Girl. Now that is a comfort zone I would never want to leave ;)

The Little India Adventure and some discoveries....

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not particularly like Little India. Actually scratch that. I LIKE Little India what I don’t like is visiting Mustafa (though selfishly am very happy for its existence. Where else can I get my Indian Maggi Masala and Bru coffee?). So Little India sans Mustafa is perfectly fine. After all that’s where I get my ‘soul food’- butter dosa, idly and filter coffee at Murugans and my ‘nostalgia food’- chaat and Bombay styled sandwiches at Kailash Parbat.

But once a year Diwali shopping in Little India is a must. And if I were a pretentious Indian writer living overseas, I would go at length describing how much I look forward this wondrous occasion of Diwali shopping in Little India, to see the blend of culture and modernity, to view the streets adorned with beautiful lights, and the reflection of the those lights on the glow of people’s faces, the colors, textures, fabrics, blah blah blah.

But I am not one of those pretentious writers, so all I saw is a prettily lit street indeed but with zillions of men, women, kids and shops selling everything from fire crackers and diyas to mithais and flowers and shiny kurtis and loud DVDs. And the distance between me and my dream destination- Kailash Parbat- felt very long indeed. Sigh! It kinda felt like scaling Mount Kailash!

So I took a deep breath and started:

Stop 1: Fire crackers- with the limited variety in Singapore, this was done in under 5 mins.

Stop 2: Lights- maybe it was the whole atmosphere of being in a giant disco ball of colors and shiny lights, but I had a sudden urge to buy those multi color lights to adorn my balcony. But pity I could not find anything I liked.

Stop 3-10: Readymade dhoti for Sanil- Sanil played the lead role in his school Diwali play as Ram (Yes, am super thrilled and oh-so proud). Small hitch. No one in school knew how to tie a dhoti. So I gallantly came to rescue and promised I would buy one from Little India. Little did I know what I was getting myself into! I walked all over Little India from one small shop to another to look for this elusive readymade dhoti. I must say all the shop owners were extremely helpful in pointing me to the next store/next lane, and sympathetic too- looking at me tugging around bags of diyas and firecrackers finding the dhoti for her precious child. (Come on! Even Khaushalya had it easier. I did remind Sanil that he owed me BIG time for this and he said ‘would 100 kishies suffice?’ Awwwwww! Yes, yes, yes I know he knows how to make me melt. He has had practice! He has been doing it for 7 and half years now!)

Back to the search...still searching...and everyone (including Sanil’s Hindi teacher) kept telling me to go to ‘Hanifa’. So now I went about in search for Hanifa...thinking if I find her, I will find the dhoti.

And finally I found a Hanifa- a smallish looking store tucked in the back streets of Little India, but seemed immensely popular. You had give your bags to the attendant outside (just like in Mustafa), was super crowded (just like Mustafa), had Cheena girls selling cheap perfumes to Bangladeshi workers (like Mustafa from that 70s perhaps). The resemblance was uncanny! It felt like entering back in time...before Mustafa became what it is now.


I could not help but wonder...could it be that Hanifa was Mustafa’s childhood sweetheart? But Mustafa’s dad did not want him to marry her because he had his eyes set higher for his son? OR Hanifa was Mustafa’s dad’s illegitimate child and he paid her off with this small store? Ok my mind was fried by that point of time, hence these crazy thoughts...though come on... it is intriguing no?

Finally when I was just about to give up, I saw this small nondescript store called ‘Dakshinee Silks’. Last ditch attempt...and yes!! They had readymade dhotis!! For S$18 only with the kurta! Mission accomplished.

Stop 11 and 12- I headed toward my dream destination of Kailash Parbat- after stopping at the temple to thank the Gods.

And then I was in heaven. I ate more that day for dinner than what I eat usually in a day.

Started off with yummy pani puri. Then ate chole batura- and when the waiter got the plate with those two gigantic baturas, I kept one batura on the side, away from me, reminding myself that one was enough. But no sooner than I had taken the first bite, I knew, that second batura would not be spared. I also drank some refreshing lime soda. And kulfi falooda for sweet endings. The poor manager just kept looking on, as he had probably not seen a single woman eat so much all by herself in such a short time. But it was all worth it!

And thus ended my Little India adventure. And it was not so bad after all.

Wish you all a very Happy Diwali! Have a wonderful time and go head and indulge!

Don't miss out on the real life....

A little more face to face,
a little less facebook

A little more real conversation,
a little less IM chat

A little more meet,
a little less tweet

A little more on life,
a little less on line