Bus-Fuss

Finally! I have broken from the shackles of taxi rides to work! I take the Shuttle Bus and it’s fabulous.

Shuttle Bus trumps over taxis because:

a) Evil people can’t steal it (like the B%^%& who stays in my condo and stole mycab last week)
b) You don’t have to listen to the driver’s choice of radio station, even after you have told him to switch the radio off…politely…
c) You don’t pay ERP J
d) You can overhear interesting conversations, and it’s not considered eavesdropping ;)
e) There is a possibility of catching the eye of a cute fellow passenger (but sadly they all wear ties and work in CBD which potentially means they work in a bank/financial institution, which definitely means they are, well, I will be polite and say ‘not my style’)

Sitting on a window seat of a bus is a very calming experience. As you see the world pass by, your thoughts fly from the mundane (to-do lists) to the exotic (what if I could just sail away in that boat I see). And it takes me back to school days when I took the 255 from Santa Cruz to Juhu.

A bus ride allows you to catch a snooze, read a chapter of your book or just reflect before the events of the day come flying at you.

And on the way back, its 96.3 FM hindi songs all way long. Cannot be a sweeter end to the day.

My centre not Me in the centre

A friend of mine, let’s call him Mr. Profound, advised me to find my centre within myself. Not to get influenced by people around me- friends and foes alike. To meditate and connect with my inner self. To reflect.

I am torn. I know what is right and what I should do. I know my strengths and am more than aware of my weaknesses. I know where I need to go in life and I am confident about my priorities. Anyone who knows me, will tell you what a straight-forward and sensible person I am.

But there is another me- the not-so-sensible me, the rather impulsive me, the self-pitying me, the shy and closed me.

How do I find my centre if I can’t reconcile these two distinct parts of myself? Where does one end and other begin? When does one surface and the other hides?

I can’t find answers to all these questions so quickly. I still need to reflect...a lot....But what I do know is that once I cease to think of myself in the centre of it all, I will be closer to finding my centre.

The core of my existence towards others is compassion. I need to now start being compassionate to myself. To treat myself kindly. This is different from indulging myself (which I do way too often!). Instead, to take care of my mind, just the way I take care of my body (eating healthy and exercising) and my soul (good karma and prayers).

Another friend of mine, Ms. Chocolate, explained the concept of “mirroring” to me. Others mirror our own feelings towards ourselves. If I look after myself, others will look after me. If I radiate positivity towards myself, others will mirror it back to me.

So starting today I will aim to find my centre- that spark in me which I thought was dead, but is flickering slightly, awaiting the fuel of compassion so it can shine bright again and show me the way forward.

DELETE

Wouldn’t it be great if we could delete people from our memory as easily as we delete files from our laptops? We simply click ‘yes’ for the prompt that says ‘Are you sure?’ and then that’s it. The person is gone from our memories…forever!
Every pain they ever caused us is forgotten. Evert hurt they ever gave us is gone. Every tear we shed because of them is dry. They have disappeared from our life like they never existed.

If I could that, I could move on. Else I get stuck with the “What-if” syndrome. The scenarios range from the bleak to the blissful. The latter much scarier than the former. As my imagination runs wild creating these false illusions of ever lasting happiness. When the reality is far far far from it.

Why do we expect people to feel about us the same way we feel about them? And when they don’t, we despair. Broken hearts for the extreme-minded like yours truly come to play. In such situations the DELETE FROM MEMORY function would be a boon.

Flight of fantasy again…we can’t delete people our memories. Not going to happen. But we do have the power to choose the memories. Choose the cheerful ones, the ones that fill your heart with delight. Just remember what gives you peace and happiness. For the unpleasant ones, well, they will make an appearance….acknowledge their existence and then hit the imaginary DELETE button in your mind. POOF! It’s gone.

Now if I can only convince myself to act in this manner….

Have a heart

Do they have a term for foolish acts done in an aware state of mind? It’s not a mistake- as I knew what I was doing. It’s not impulsive- as I have been thinking about it. And it’s certainly not smart.

So why did I do it? My heart desired. It begged me to indulge it. To make it flutter once again. To make it hope. To make it love.

And I abided. Knowing full well that my heart will break...sooner or later. For its sake, I hope it’s later.

But I had to take the chance. I needed that leap of faith. Will I land on feet or on my face and break my nose, I don’t know. My brain tells me it will be the latter and is warning me of the consequences.

My heart however, is dreaming again. Hoping again. Desiring to love again. A teeny part of it knows, the dreams will be shattered, the hopes will be unfulfilled, the desires will need to be tamed. But right now my heart awaits...with bated breath...for its destiny to come for it.

The Hiding Heart

My heart is hiding. It does not want to face this world. Going through motions today, I felt an out-of-body experience. Like the person was not me, but a bleak part of me. While the real me, with the heart, just watched silently.

The real me knew that the other me was doing, what was required to be done, and doing it well. But there was no heart in any of it. Because, as I said, my heart is hiding.

It’s hiding from pain. It’s hiding from the unknown. It’s hiding its tears. It’s hiding its desires. It fears.

My heart is hiding. It does not show itself. When I smile, the smile does not reach my eyes. When I laugh, my laughter seems hollow. But only to me. No one else guesses why my eyes seem lifeless and the laughter soulless. How can anyone know, when I don’t understand it myself.

But what I do know is that I want to tempt my heart to come out of its hiding place. To experience new feelings, to feel new experiences. But it does not listen to me.

I wonder what will tempt my heart to come out and live once again. Till then, my heart is hiding.

Why all this writing?

How come everyone writes nowadays? I mean, I am writing a blog! My friend – let’s call him ‘White Boy’- says I am the most technology unsavvy person! And even I have a blog.

So what is this new found obsession to write or should I say “express”? Someone (who I don’t particularly like) once said, that people write blogs because they want attention and want to be “sexy. Really? Since when did writing become sexy? It’s one of the most mundane and ancient activities.

I think people write to share things they can’t always talk about. So that brings me to, why the need to share? It’s because only when it’s shared, it becomes real.

If something happens to me- good, bad, funny, silly, sad, touching- it only appears real when I tell someone about it. At least one person. If I can’t do that, then that experience does not seem real. Like it never happened. Weird? Probably, but that is my reasoning on at least why I am writing.

Other people probably write for other reasons- they actually have something meaningful to say (or think they do), are professionals e.g. authors, poets (I so admire authors! Sexiest profession per me, second only to architects- involves building: so masculine, and creativity: so inspirational- what could be sexier? But hey, I digress).

Other people who write probably prefer it to talking, so they write as a way to communicate. While some others write to simply brag.

I do wish however more people would read- not my blog- just in general...people should read more than they write and not the other way round. I don’t think myself as a judgemental person (but then who does, right?). But I REALLY am not one. Except for people who don’t read books. I judge them. I find them boring, shallow and dull.

So if you want to be (or at least appear to be) interesting and thus sexy, go pick up a book. Ideally something from the classics. And no, Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code is not a classic.

P.S. read my other posts below before judging my writing ;)

World of Excesses

I arrived at the Taj resort in Rebak Island in Langkawi yesterday. When the buggy cart took me around the island resort and proudly showed me the lovely pool, my first question was “Is this the only pool?” And when the staff answered yes, I was slightly disappointed.

Later when I reflected, I felt very ashamed of myself. Growing up, staying in a hotel which had a pool was not the norm. It was a privilege. And now many years later, I can afford to come on an impulsive holiday, stay at a 5 star resort, drink cocktails before every meal, and I question why the resort has only one pool?

Jacuzzi pool, splash, pool, wave pool, Olympic size swim pool, lazy-river styled pool- been there, done that. Did they make my holiday better? Marginally perhaps, but not exponentially. What make a holiday is the people you take the holiday with and the experiences and memories you garner.

This got me wondering....we are living in a world of excesses. You have to have more than one pool in a hotel, there’s got to be a private beach at the resort you are staying, a couple with one kid need a 3-bedroom apt- one more room than necessary, the TV...oh my...the TV.. anything less than 52 inches is probably not just worth it. We need our laptops, Blackberry’s, iPhones- and these are just devices to stay connected. When it comes to music, there is the iPod, music system with surround sound (or whatever the latest is in audio technology these days), phone with a radio connection, laptop with all latest music downloads.

Growing up my sister and I used to listen to the radio every night after 9.00 pm. That’s when the new movie promos and songs were aired on Vividh Bharti (I am showing my age here!). The days before cable TV hit India. I remember lying in bed with the radio between us, listening to the upcoming movies and making mental lists of the ones we want to go for (and wondering if our parents would take us for them all). Simple times, simple pleasure.

From there, how did I to here? Where nothing is ever enough. Where Starbucks coffee completes my afternoons and if I can’t take a holiday every 2 months, I feel I am working way too hard. And yes, when I do take that holiday, I get stuck by the only-one-pool syndrome.

From here on...I am going to try and go back to the basics. Aim to take the bus instead up jumping the cab every time, refrain from spending 6$ on a cup of coffee everyday and stop buying stuff I will never use (like my new sun hat) because “it looked so pretty on the mannequin.”

The server is now getting my cocktail, but hey! it does not have the cute l’ll umbrella. But you know what, there is enough tequila in it, so I will be happy with the basics! Who needs excesses, right?

Table for ONE

Ever asked that aloud at a restaurant? Or waited for the server to come to you and ask you “For how many mam?” and you reply in an almost-whisper..... “One”.

Why are we afraid of our own company? Why do we need people around us all the time? Don’t get me wrong, I WANT people I love and like around me. But do I NEED them? And do I want them EVERYTIME? No. Not really. I doubt many of us do. But we are afraid to exhibit that in public.

It’s customary to be by yourself in confines of your home or in ‘acceptable’ places like a spa or a library. But sitting by yourself in a cafe or the movies tantamount to blasphemy!

Man is a social creature. But aren’t there times we when have had enough of society? When all you want is to curl up and read a book on a comfy sofa but you want it to be outside your home, perhaps at your favourite cafe?

When you want to see and hear the rain fall on the grass and be refreshed by the green all around you, without having to say a word about it to anyone? Just feel it...without expressing it? When you want to experience the peace of solitude without the aid of your iPod, your book or your laptop?

I will be honest...I have not reached that stage as yet myself. If I am by myself, I NEED my book with me, or at least my iPod or laptop. Like right now I am typing my random thoughts on my laptop from a small island-resort in Langkawi while sitting on the veranda lobby. (And there is a couple making out right in front of me- rather distracting. Wish they would get a room, we are in a resort after all!)

But hey! Who am I to judge? Aren’t I the one holidaying on my own, sitting on a very comfy armchair typing away to glory without exchanging a word with anyone?

Let’s just live and let live. Don’t judge people by their choices whether it is to be by themselves, or with others.

On a farewell note, I read this quote many years ago and it stayed with me- Solitude is a nice place to visit but not a good place to stay. So I am off to meet other people on this gorgeous island. And look here, the rain has stopped and the sun is shining down. Time to head to the beach (with my book of course, in case I need to be alone again, I need my prop ;)

First Times

Are first times over-rated? They are memorable for sure...but only for the reason of being a first?

We romanticize our firsts- first kiss, first dance, first boyfriend, first day at school, first day at work, first marriage anniversary...was there anything special about them besides that fact they just happen to be the first of many?

For me what is more important is that something will be the first of many, rather than the first itself. First of many kisses, first of many dances, first of many anniversaries...the possibility of the upcoming ones is more romantic and real than merely this first.

I once read that there are ‘Past people’ and ‘Future people’. ‘Past people’ are the nostalgic lot who believe the past can never match up to the future. And the ‘Future people’ are the forward looking ones who believe that the future’s got to be better than the past.

I am not so sure that these can be the only two categories. Walking down the memory lane is one of my favourite past times and dreaming about the future is also what I enjoy doing. So where do I fit in? People claim that we should learn from past mistakes so we don’t repeat them in the future.

I say do that, but don’t ignore the beautiful experiences from the past and get inspired by them. Draw on them as your muse for a promising future.

Cherished memories from the past are the core for creating new beautiful ones in the future.
So look back at all your first times but don’t dwell on them. They are just the first of many more to come.